


Silence

by masterpuppeteer



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide mentions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-02 02:29:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5230439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterpuppeteer/pseuds/masterpuppeteer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka wants to believe Nagisa just ran away, but he has a bad feeling about this all. It wasn't like him to just disappear without telling anyone. All his friends panic, but Haru pushes everyone away when they reach out to him. They're all worried over nothing. Nagisa is going to come back soon.</p><p>Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. It's my first real fanfiction, so this is sort of shitty, but I think it will get better.
> 
> Mature rating and warnings are for later chapters, I don't want to spoil it.

* * *

 

    It was almost silent in his house.

    Almost. Even when he stopped breathing, Haruka could still hear electricity buzzing in the walls. He found himself irritated by tiny splashes from the water around him. The point of being alone like this was to get away from the rest of the world and its distractions but now, he just… couldn’t think. Haru sunk lower into the bath so that his face was submerged in the warm water. He held his breath, eyes closed.

    He had gotten the message an hour before. Rei was the one to give the news - Nagisa was reported missing. The boy didn’t attend school on Friday and today, Sunday, no one could contact him yet. Haru made himself a new collection of about 18 missed calls: most were from the frantic Rei, but a few more from Nagisa’s own parents, and impressively, some “please answer” texts from Makoto. He turned off his phone at that point. It was overwhelming and something about that stopped him from doing anything.

    He wasn’t upset about it. Only confused. Haruka didn’t like being confronted with situations like that, he didn’t like being expected to show his feelings to everyone. But still, he wasn’t upset. Nagisa was always naive and spontaneous, and he decided to believe the boy had just run away from home again. What seemed perplexing was that he didn’t come to Haruka for help. They had a special relationship as friends, or so he thought; was it wrong to assume that much? The idea that he really overestimated how close they were made him feel a bit guilty somehow. Angry as well, for feeling guilty. Had he taken a bright, supportive friend for granted all along?

    Breaching the water’s surface, he breathed deeply and wiped his eyes off. _Overreacting._ He was overreacting. Nagisa was probably fine. About time to put an end to the pity party, he decided, leaving the tub to dry himself. The air was colder on his skin that he’d like, but it woke him up to reality faster. Spending time in the water was more like a daydream; even if he liked it a lot more, it did nothing to help how the real world could be at times. He dressed himself, threw a towel over his shoulder and left. It didn’t take long for him to notice he left his phone in the bathroom and it felt like he hit a second wall of guilt. It was definitely rude to have done that. He was so used to acting in the moment that he didn’t even think about it.

    He forced himself to retrieve the phone and power it back on. Water dropped from his hair onto the screen and he wiped it off crudely, noticing the missed calls count had gone up to 21. He bit his tongue and thought for a moment. Impulsively, he called back Makoto, and by the time he realized it was already dialing it was too late to undo it. His breath froze again while he waited for an answer. (It didn’t ring more than once.)

    “Haru?”

    At a loss for words, he said nothing. His mouth hung open like he meant to but nothing came out.

    “Haru, are you okay?”

    Haruka chose not to say anything again. He glanced around, trying to find a less-than-sorry excuse to talk about something. The floor creaked under his feet and Makoto took the noise as a sign to continue talking.

    “Is it alright if I come over? You know I would have already, but it felt like inappropriate timing, I guess…” The speaker crackled as he trailed off, laughing quietly in an ironically soothing way.

    “Sure.” Haru hung up the call quickly and took no time to get outside and wait for him. Anxiety began to bubble in his stomach. Makoto had some kind of hidden ability to read his mind. Honestly, it was pretty amazing, and even if he didn’t like being that vulnerable he was able to depend on his best friend in that way. Although he wasn’t looking forward to it this time, no one else makes him feel better as much as he does. It was warm and bright outside; the sunlight reflected in his deep blue eyes. He heard birds singing from above and leaves whispering in the soft breeze. It was much quieter in the house, he thought.

    But he looked down at the stone ground again when he spotted Makoto making his way up towards the house. “There you are. It’s nice out today, isn’t it?”

    “Let’s go inside.” He replied flatly without missing a beat. Makoto smiled a knowing smile, an expression pretty much everyone could recognize from him. For a moment the familiar face made him feel different, softer - it only lasted a second so he shook it off and joined his friend inside. The door shut a bit too loudly. Neither of them noticed.

    “I noticed your hair is wet. Were you in the bath?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Ah.” Makoto leaned against the wall. “I hope you already ate today.”

    “I didn’t.”

    “But you’ll get si--”

    “Stop smalltalking me,” Haru interjected, knowing he was stalling. The other boy grimaced and paused before starting again.

    “You really worried me, not answering the phone. I talked to Rei, too. We thought you would be too upset.”

    He evaded answering the end of that thought. “How is he?”

    “Who, Rei? Worried sick like the rest of us, I suppose. He and Nagisa are pretty close, though, aren’t they? I wonder what kind of lecture he’ll give him if he comes back,” said Makoto, smiling faintly at the thought. He seemed so innocent. Oblivious, even.

    “He will.”

    “Huh?”

    “You said ‘if’,” Haruka pointed out, watching him attentively. He wanted to make his point crystal clear.

    “Did I?” He chuckled and rubbed his head. Haru wasn’t buying it, they both knew what he meant by that. “Sorry. I… I guess I’m just really worried,” he laughed again in a different way, sounding a bit sad. They both relaxed since he said it; at least it was out in the open now. “... I’ve been helping everyone out a lot for a couple hours. No one else really seems to know how to stay calm in situations like this. Maybe except for you?” Haruka blinked. He didn’t consider himself calm at the moment. Slightly shaken, the more he thought about it the more he stirred himself up. The fact that Makoto knew about it for hours before he did felt almost as bad as ignoring twenty-something phone calls. He rationalized to himself that he probably was pretty calm compared to however many anxiety attacks their classmate was having. They were both quiet for a few minutes; he decided to lean against the same wall closer to Makoto.

    “Rei is coming over to my place soon, actually,” he said. “I’m sure he would be really glad if you came as well.”

    “Good to know.” Haruka didn’t feel like going anywhere. He couldn’t place exactly why; he was tired. Would it be a good idea to keep ignoring his requests?

    “Ah! I mean, you don’t have to, though…” Of course, he really wished Makoto wasn’t so good at persuading him like that.

    “I’ll come.” It wouldn’t hurt to hang out with the two of them anyway. Even when he wasn’t thrilled about the stress that might come with it. There’s nothing fun about being serious all the time, but, what was he thinking? It was to support his friends, wasn’t it… The way the other boy’s face lit up justified his choice. That was another thing he liked to consider. If it makes Makoto happy, he wants it to happen. “.. Is that all you came over for?”

    “N-No! Well… yes, but not just that. I mostly wanted to make sure you were alright.” He smiled brightly. “I think you are.” At times, it was a bit irritating to Haruka that he could make that assumption and still be right. “If you’re coming with me, we should go now. We don’t want to keep anyone waiting.”

    The sound of his voice interrupted Haru’s short thoughts. They had been staring at each other and didn’t realize it, somehow, even if Makoto had the brightest green eyes. Haru looked away. Maybe it was irritating in a good way. “Then let’s go.”

    He swore he heard laughter when closing the door.

    “What’s so funny?”

    “Oh! Nothing.”

 

* * *

 

    Being neighbors, the walk didn’t last long. Haruka was greeted first by Makoto’s energetic little siblings.

    “Haru-chan is here!” Ren yelled, starting a stampede towards the room they entered.

    “You should’ve said you would bring him, too,” Ran squeaked, a step behind her brother the whole time.

    “I know, I know! Sorry,” Makoto chuckled as he patted them both on the head. “Ah, Haru, do you mind hanging out with these two while I try to call Rei again? They really like you, I promise!”

    “Sure.” He didn’t care. There were definitely way worse people he could be stuck with for a minute or so. Makoto smiled and left the room with his phone - the sound of his voice could still be heard through the walls, faintly. The twins had that sort of childish innocence about them so he didn't mind; it was more fun to talk to them than it was for most adults.

    “Haru-chan… looks weird.” Ran squinted at his face.

    “Ran! You can’t just say that!”

    “Well, why not?!”

    “It’s rude, you big dummy!”

    “Don’t fight about it,” Haru interrupted. The twins went silent immediately, staring up at him with their big eyes. He found it a bit amusing they would listen to him like that.

    “Our brother said someone else was coming over. Are you guys having a party or something?”

    Ren gasped loudly and corrected his sister in a hushed voice. “Don’t say that either! You weren’t listening to what he said, were you?”

    “It’s fine.” He thought of what to say. “Yes, it’s a party.”

    “You’re lying!”

    “Fine.”

    “Makoto told me what happened,” Ren declared as if he was testing him.

    “Okay.”

    “But what happened?” Ran whined aloud and grasped her brother’s shoulders, desperate for an answer.

    “Nothing,” Haruka said, looking at them blankly. “Our friend ran away.”

    “You’re lying again!”

    “I wasn’t lying.” The reply came out in a sharper tone than he meant to. It was a bit of a touchy subject, and it seemed even with his best efforts there was no use hiding it.

    “Oh.” It was silent for a few seconds. Haru sighed and sat down quietly. Whatever guilt he had for snapping accidentally, he instantly brushed it away. He didn’t know how Makoto could be so good with children; they were cute, but very nosy, something he couldn’t deal with well. “... You can let go of my shoulders now.”

    “C’mon, I wasn’t even touching you that much!”

    “You so were!”

    “Stop fighting,” he said calmly. Again he found it amusing they were so quick to listen to him; maybe it was a privilege of his because they liked him so much. He didn’t want to overdo it. Ran made a slightly pouty face and sat near Haruka, and she immediately began staring at him again. He looked back at her, raising an eyebrow inquisitively.

    “Hey,” Ren said. He turned to look at him instead to see the puzzled look on his face. “Are you... Are you scared?”

    It got quiet again after he looked at the floor. He didn’t know if he could answer that. And he didn’t want to, either. He didn’t want to be scared, he didn’t want to be upset about Nagisa, and he really didn’t want to think there was a reason to worry at all. Eventually he would have to get serious and think about how he really felt. Was there really a reason for him to be so stubborn? If Nagisa would stop playing games and just come home already he wouldn’t have to wonder about it at all. He glanced at Ren, then at Ran. There was nothing to say, even if he tried.

    “Haru-chan!” Makoto ran into the room, beaming with excitement. “Rei is on his way! I was right.”

    Haruka stood, not reacting to the disappointed ‘aww’s from the twins when he took a step away. “I see.”

    “Let’s keep an eye out for him.”

    “Okay.” He gave the tiniest smile to his friend, who smiled back, wider. There had been enough conflict inside of his mind and he was able to quiet it in an instant.

    At least someone was there to understand him through all of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. (Also sorry if you saw the other version...I made a mistake and had to delete it. whoops.)
> 
> The quality here is, once again, shitty. But this time it's just because I wanted to get it over with after taking such a long time. I'll try to update faster in the future.
> 
> Thanks for reading.

    “So…”

    It was quiet again. Haruka didn’t like the dead noise. With the three boys sitting together on the floor in a mostly otherwise-empty room there was this sort of buzz that came from just sharing the same depressing thoughts. He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them, thinking of something appropriate to say. Hmm...

    “You two… are gloomy.”

    “G… Gloomy?!” Rei freaked out immediately, making it clear his feathers were rustled. He was more often than not quick to leap to his own defense.

    “That’s what I said.”

    “I’m not gloomy! I’m just sitting here minding my own business!”

    “You’re gloomy.”

    “Rei, you are a bit, um... tense,” Makoto chimed in cautiously.

    “Told you.”

    “He said you were too!”

    “Maybe your tenseness is making me gloomy…?”

    “Fine! Ugh...” He put his hands on his temples to concentrate, but the action unsettled the position of his glasses. Rei’s hair was already frazzled, his eyes a bit watery and with the lopsided lenses he was quickly transformed into a hot mess. “I’m worried. So what? For your information it’s a completely natural response to… distress,” he picked the word at random. “And detachment.” With one hand he drummed his fingers on the ground while the other gripped onto his jacket sleeve so tightly his knuckles turned white.

    Haruka stared at him.

    “We know, we know! Don’t worry about it.” Makoto reflexively offered his support. He was trying not to stare at the others. It was difficult. “Haru, are you okay?”

    The question was something no one seemed to like at the moment. “... Why do you ask?” Haruka shifted his focus from Rei to the floor, not feeling up to giving a proper response. He was annoyed, and he normally would be when pestered with questions like this; It was slightly different this time.

    “No-- No reason!” Although he wasn’t looking up, he could see the way the other’s green eyes widened. “Sorry, I just… you look like you have something to say, is all.” Haru listened to the sound of nails dragging in circles on the rug. “...I suppose I was wrong, huh.”

    When the conversation fell flat again, he was suddenly aware of how uncomfortable the setting was. It wasn’t just the gloominess. The energy between them all felt stale, not unlike the seriousness of a funeral - and that wasn’t what this was supposed to be. There was some kind of void where Nagisa should have been with them. It felt empty. Where he would have made a fun joke there was only silence. Where there could have been a crazy idea as for what to do, there was more silence. It seemed apparent to Haruka that if anyone were to inspire some sudden adventure to rescue a lost friend, it would be Nagisa.

    Everyone could tell.

    He was agitated, stood up as quickly as the feeling crept up on him. It was a burning fluid in his chest that spread like a disease. Both looked up at him, surprised. “We’re not doing anything, so I’m going to go.”

    “Haruka-”

    “I’ll talk to you later,” he said in a low tone while turning away. The concerned tone in Rei’s voice made him feel a bit guilty, knowing he would regret being so avoidant later on, but he was flared up enough to ignore it for the moment. He honestly expected a bigger reaction from the two but it was only quiet again, so he just… left.

    Haruka didn’t know what he expected when he agreed to coming over. He knew it would have been boring. He knew his friends would be tired and sad. It was probably Makoto’s fault, anyway. Him and his soft voice, he was always able to get his way with Haru, it wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t fair. He kicked a pebble on the ground, he kicked it again, he stopped walking and huffed to himself. Even if he looked like a child throwing a tantrum he felt he had the right to at that given moment.

    When things weren’t perfect there was always Makoto quick to swoop in and try and fix it for him. It was usually about feelings, too, his feelings, both of their feelings… He didn’t think that stuff was so important. Haruka didn’t actually believe he had real feelings unless he was spending time with his best friend, who just drew it out of him somehow. It wasn’t clear how he felt now, but he wondered what that meant. If he wasn’t being such an asshole he could just go and ask for advice. Not that he ever asked for it in the first place.

    He threw open the door to his house. He never bothered locking it - which, honestly, was just for Makoto. He probably wouldn’t leave his home if it weren’t for the other boy coming to make sure he wasn’t dead or something. Why was he always blaming things on someone who meant that much to him? It set solid in his mind that he didn’t really have anyone else that close, who really cared about what happened to him. This kind of thinking was selfish and wrong, Haruka knew, but he couldn’t help but wonder what it would take to get some recognition from his other friends sometimes as well. In the event that he decided to start locking the door, throw out his phone and stop showing up at school, who else would come looking for him?

    Well… there was Rin. Who was calling.

    Right now.

    Shit.

    Haruka answered immediately by force of habit, otherwise he would have another missed call notice. Ugh.

    “Yo, Haru.”

    “What?”

    “Jeez, no need for the rude attitude.”

    “I don’t have one. Why are you calling?” If he was getting this call just to chat, he was going to hang up.

    “It doesn’t hurt to say ‘hi’ every once in a while. Anyway, Makoto told me to check up on you.”

    It felt like his heart dropped in his chest. Haru paused. “Why?”

    “I don’t know. You tell me. He just gave me the codeword, y’know?”

    “The codeword,” he repeated blankly.

    “Seriously! We have one!”

    “You don’t.”

    “We do! The word is… penguin.” A voice sounded in the background, probably a roommate, to which Rin responded irritably. “Shut the hell up! I wasn’t lying.”

    “Are we done now?” Haru was nearly rolling his eyes. Nearly.

    “No! Listen, what’s the matter? Is this about the, uh…”

    “The?”

    “You know. Seriously, he… he probably just ran away. I don’t think you should be worried.”

    “That’s what I told them. And I’m not worried.”

    “I don’t believe you.”

    “Okay.”

    “No one told me what happened, so do you wanna explain? I can’t do all the work here.”

    “You’re wasting your time.”

    “I’m not. Just… hold on a second.” A collection of noises occurred, followed by the squeak of a door and the subsequent ‘click’ from being shut. “Tell me the truth. How are you feeling?”

    Haruka let the white noise continue for a few seconds, unsure. “I feel fine.”

    “I said the truth, idiot.”

    “I don’t know,” he blurted out. God, he just wanted this conversation to end. “I don’t know how I feel.”

    “Hmm… so, not fine?”

    “Rin.”

    “Sorry. … I just don’t want you to be upset. You do get upset sometimes, whether you realize it or not.” Haruka stayed quiet, waiting for him to finish the lecture. “You act different, too… it’s pretty frustrating. I’ve wanted to beat some sense into you a few times when you got that way. ...Uh, but, I didn’t, ‘cause I like you. Shit, I forgot what I was going to say.”

    “Wrap it up, Rin.”

    “No, no! Okay, fine. It’s just that… your friends care about you. So don’t go doing anything stupid, alright? It gets annoying to put up with someone who sulks that much. Don’t be that person.” If he had any point to what he was saying, he was really really bad at making it clear. He sounded like he didn’t want to get too personal about it but, hey, that seems about Haruka’s level of comfort anyway.

    “Right.”

    “If I hear you were causing trouble over this, I’m gonna kick your ass.”

    “I’ll be waiting.” He ignored Rin’s frustrated noise as soon as he heard a hard knock on his door. It kept knocking, over and over… “Hold on.” Haru squinted at the door. It still wasn’t stopping. He supposed he couldn’t hide his way out of this one. Holding the phone up to his ear to look busy, as if he ever had anything important to do, he opened his door. A little spike of shock hit him when he saw Rei standing there. In the natural light it was clear that he was very, very tired.

    “AH! Haruka-senpai! Hello!”

    “Rei...?”

    “Yes! I… um, sorry, I was just thinking…” He glanced over his shoulder, and so did Haruka, to see Makoto standing behind him - off to the side, hiding a bit. “We should hang out here instead. You don’t want to leave, so it seems the only reasonable option left is to come here instead.”

    “Why would you want to do that?”

    “Sorry, but we won’t take no for an answer!” The only reason he didn’t argue further was because Rei was quite confident in his statement. Haruka quietly found it amusing how ‘Rei-like’ it was of him, even in his out-of-character state of mind.

    “Fine.” He thought of something else to say, and instead reminded himself of the phone he was loosely holding near his head. “Don’t call next time,” he said shortly, and though he could hear vague yelling he hung up on Rin.

    … His guests were still standing there. When he gave them a look they took the hint and invited themselves in. Makoto was a bit slower, so while Rei was already busy making himself comfortable, the remaining two had the chance to talk.

    “You could have just asked.” Haruka closed the door.

    “I probably should have. I thought you were upset with me.” Makoto smiled a bit, softening the topic.

    “I’m not.” He was almost offended that he would think that. There was almost nothing he could do that would make Haru angry. He was too kind.

    But he just shrugged with the same absent expression, quiet. Both went to join their friend.

    “There you are,” Rei said. He was sitting on his knees neatly. “I hope you don’t think I was being rude, I was simply--”

    “It’s fine. Are you two staying the night?”

    “I thought I said that already.”

    “I don’t think you did,” Makoto weighed in.

    “Oh. Well, then… yes. We are, if that’s alright.”

    “I suppose we’ll have to, if Haru isn’t allowed to say ‘no.’”

    “Then we can use my room,” Haruka decided. He went along with the energy the others had to avoid slipping back into a quiet, depressing hole in the discussion. It was uneasy suddenly having people stay in his home but at a time like this it would be insensitive to decline, and he was already sorry for his hasty behavior earlier, too.

 

* * *

    Haruka had a secret personal rule that no one would stay in his house and not be fed. He always took it upon himself to cook generous amounts of food for his company. Despite jokes about his seafood preference, he considered himself a talented cook. Makoto refused the meal out of politeness and Rei claimed he wasn’t hungry; through Haru’s unwavering nature the two ended up with stomachs full anyway. Contrarily, he personally didn’t have much of an appetite and spent most of the quiet dinnertime avoiding guilt-ridden glances from Makoto. (He caved and snacked on something else to get rid of the puppy eyes.)

    It was dark in Haruka’s room. Nearly pitch black, but his eyes were adjusted so he could make out faint details around him. It had been maybe an hour since they went to bed and he felt strange. He should be relieved to relax but he didn’t want to have to think about what was going on.

    “Haru?” Makoto’s whisper from out of nowhere startled him. “Are you awake?”

    He waited a few seconds. The only noise that filled the room was Rei’s heavy breathing in his sleep. “Yeah.” There was the sound of movement before Haruka could tell he sat up, and he slowly did the same so he could see his friend better.

    “It’s quiet.”

    “Yeah.”

    “Are you tired?”

    “No.”

    “Me either.” They had slept together before. Makoto’s sleepy voice was easily recognizable, darker and raspy. He clearly was tired. Did that mean he was awake the whole time? The silence that followed must have lasted minutes. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but very still. If nothing happened he thought he might actually fall asleep.

    “What’s wrong?” Haru eventually asked him.

    “I forgot. … Sorry.”

    “I can turn on the lights.”

    “Okay.”

    He rubbed his eyes, crawling away to reach for the small lamp which cast a dim light through the room. He was accustomed to the darkness, but after so many years he picked up that Makoto didn’t like it nearly as much. It wasn’t something he dared to ask about. But just part of the little things he notices. Haru slinked back, sitting closer, right beside him with his knees at his chest.

    It was the type of silence he could bear. The two of them were near and whatever they thought about didn’t matter.

    “Haru, you weren’t mad earlier, right?”

    “You already asked.”

    “I… wanted to be sure.” They shared a look. He could see the face Makoto had, not as bright as usual.

    “No. I wasn’t.” They looked away from each other while he paused a few beats. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

    “Haru… that’s a really nice thing to hear.” He didn’t know what that meant. Makoto leaned against him lazily. He didn’t know what that meant, either.

    “Why would I be mad at you?”

    “I don’t know. I got worried, a little. … I don’t want to lose any more of my friends.” Haruka flinched and he noticed, pulling away hesitantly. The sentence seemed too sudden. He was lying, too, when he said he wasn’t tired. At this hour, there was no use arguing about him. So he leaned against the other boy’s arm, choosing to bite his tongue. It was more important to him that he behave. “I really don’t know what I would do without you,” Makoto murmured. Somehow, hearing those words affected Haru more than the other topic.

    “Sleep.” Even he didn’t know if that was a reply or a command. Both of them got readjusted to lay down and that was it.

    Haruka stared at the ceiling. It was unfamiliar to sleep with the warmth of larger hands holding his own.

    And he didn’t know what it meant, either.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry it's been so long, and that this chapter is so short. I just was looking through my emails and stuff and realized people were actually leaving kudos, so I wanted you guys to know I'm still out there, or something. I've never written a real in-depth fanfiction before so I appreciate it a lot.
> 
> Again, since nothing happens here, I'll probably add some more and replace the chapter later with something more eventful. Sorry about that, I hope you enjoy it.

    Haruka had to force his eyes open; they tried to stay shut on their own. In fact, as he stood in the kitchen, he swayed in a slight fit of dizziness. The sizzling coming from the breakfast he was making for his friends should have kept him awake but it didn’t do anything to help - it was way too damn early to pay attention. He would have forgotten it was Monday if he didn’t stay up all night thinking anxiety-ridden thoughts to himself (among those came how much he hates going to school).

    The eggs and toast he made were less than satisfactory to his own standards. Not like anyone would care, but he especially didn’t care at that moment. He was just so tired. His schedule was sleeping in an hour longer and then soaking in the bath until someone noticed he was missing. While he wanted to sulk about how much easier it normally is to hide from the world without guests, he was aware he was grouchy only because of the time… The sun had barely even risen yet, which he scoffed upon realizing.

    Just as Haruka was preparing plates, Rei appeared out of the hall. It was exactly 7:15. What an early bird he was, cheer in his voice and all.

    “Good morning, Haruka-senpai.”

    “Hello. I made this, if you want any.”

    “No, thank you! I don’t eat breakfast before school,” he said as if it was supposed to be obvious. “I have a morning routine perfected in the most efficient way.”

    “But it’s important to.”

    “You sound tired,” he pointed out.

    “I am tired. Eat it already.”

    Rei looked slightly humbled. “Alright, then.”

    The two took their own dishes and went to sit, to eat together. It was quiet in a serene way. Haruka was wondering how someone like Rei could not know how breakfast is the most important meal of the day, though the latter clearly had something else on his mind.

    “Haruka,” he said, “I noticed you turned on a light while it was still dark. Were you having trouble sleeping, by any chance?”

    “... Yes,” he decided to answer.

    “Why?”

    “Does it matter that much?”

    “Well…” Rei looked down at his plate thoughtfully. “Maybe it doesn’t. I thought maybe you were too worried to sleep.”

    “Oh.” Haru felt like he took a blow to the chest as he was reminded of what was happening. Or, what had happened.

    “It was a silly question to ask, now that I think about it.” He watched his guest, studying his movements and the solemn expression he had, coming to the conclusion he was already worried.

    “No. You’re right.” Both of them were quiet for a few moments. The feeling in Haruka’s chest spread slowly until most of his body was cold with the suspense. He was talking about Nagisa, wasn’t he… Back to school today, maybe the poor boy would show up all of a sudden. It was what he could hope for even if he didn’t feel like talking about it. He wasn’t lying, either, it was clear to him in the night that they were missing the fourth member of their crew. But the thing he had been thinking of most was how he had to untangle his hands from Makoto’s when he woke up. It only felt wrong to have wasted time that way when he came back to his right mind and remembered there were more serious issues to be concerned about. “I don’t usually worry that much.”

    “I see. I think I admire that about you; I worry far too often for my own good.”

    The stillness that ensued after that statement was almost painful for Haru, he could tell it was rough for Rei. And it wasn’t a subject he wanted to bring up this early.

    “I would have thought you to be more optimistic,” Haruka murmured after he had taken a bite of his food, attempting to lighten the mood a bit, “you know, as someone who doesn’t even seem worried enough to eat in the morning.” His friend chuckled a bit and he relaxed. As much as he could, anyway. It was hard to get your mind off something like that once you start; there was the lingering idea in the back of his head that something would still go wrong. But he felt guilty even considering that he wouldn’t see his friend today. As if he would be at fault if it came true.

    He didn’t even notice in the midst of his unease, but suddenly, Makoto had arrived to join the boys. “Good morning,” he said with a yawn, his voice still hoarse from sleep. Haruka stayed quiet for most of the remaining morning. It was quiet when they walked to school. Nothing happened.

 

    Classes were so boring he would have walked right out if someone dared him to for just five yen. The highlight of the school day was probably a forgettable pen mark he noticed on his desk, and he skipped lunch to go for a run instead, just to spare himself from more awkwardness. So, in short, nothing happened through the day either.

    Practice came at the end, of course, and it was something Haruka couldn’t be more grateful for. Before anyone could discuss anything he had already changed and was diving into the water. He pretended he didn’t hear the shocked “Haru!” from his friend.

    And he just went, fast.

 

    The water in the pool was always cold. It was something that kept him exhilarated, motivated to push himself. The feeling of his arms gliding through the cool substance as he kept a steady pace was unmatchable, the sensation reminded him consistently with every stroke exactly why he sought comfort within the water. He didn’t have to listen to anyone else now, he really could be free when he swam. It was something that went through his head while he went on; internally, he held disdain for those very thoughts. The only reason he was trying to embrace the water now was because he didn’t want to face any real problems, isn’t that how it works?

    Haruka flip-turned at the end of the pool, and as he rose to the surface he saw the other two were now idly hanging by the benches. The sun was lower than the treelines, closer to meeting the horizon. So practice was nearly over. Not even swimming was an exception to how fast time was passing today… He could pick up fragments of a conversation.

    “...he’ll be okay?”

    “I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry.”

    This set off a defensive, childish part of Haruka’s brain. He took a deep breath and dove under, hovering his body near the pool floor. He could hear a warbled version of Makoto calling his name -- he stayed under. Why did everyone always want to ‘talk’? Haru, personally, usually got over his feelings if he kept them in long enough. It was no one’s business what he was thinking. Another reason to love the water, so it seemed, as it let him go free at his own rhythm. He closed his eyes, exhaling so bubbles rose above him. And water didn’t tell him to talk about his stupid feelings.

    Maybe that one was pushing it. He shot up to air level the moment he felt burning in his throat, sputtering and choking. Must have breathed it in… _Idiot,_ he thought to himself. Knowing that was it, he made his way to the front end quickly and quietly; he cleared his throat one last time and tore off his goggles. He could just smell the impending lecture, and boy, was he dreading it. He had been avoiding his own thoughts all day.

    “Here,” Makoto, who had been waiting for him, offered a hand to help Haruka out of the pool. He felt uncomfortable just looking at it (let alone touching it) and decided to hop out by himself. “Are you okay?”

    “Yes.” He stayed with his legs dangling in the water. Makoto sat next to him and did the same thing.

    “You can always say how you’re feeling. At least with me.” Haru shrugged at him. “You’re making Rei nervous, you know. He thinks he did something wrong.”

    “He didn’t.”

    “That’s what I told him. We still missed you at lunch, though.”

    “I went running.”

    “Okay.” Makoto watched the current ebb back and forth, swirling around his calves over and over. “I just wanted you to know you’re important to me. ...To everyone. I care a lot more than you would think.”

    The conversation was stiff even after he had said something so vulnerable. Haruka was bitter, and sometimes, particularly around Makoto, he couldn’t hold his tongue. “Is that what last night was about?”

    He looked back up at Haruka. “What do you mean? I was just saying I don’t like seeing you act like this.” He could feel curious green eyes burning a hole into his temple and turned the other way just to spare himself from it. “Haru?”

    “Forget it,” he replied, but apparently the other boy already _had_ forgotten.

    “... It isn’t good to shut off when you’re sad. Everyone’s noticing, too. You know we all feel the same you do,” Makoto tried again, giving more general advice as he struggled to stay conscious of Haruka’s boundaries here. He didn’t know what the matter was.

    “That’s not what this is about.”

    “Then--”

    “Stop pestering me.”

    “Haru…” At his name, he looked straight down again, but that let into view those eyes that were still locked dead on their target. He swallowed. “Did I do something wrong?” Haru frowned, ready to deny it as he always would, but nothing came to mind. He just stayed quiet. He didn’t do anything _wrong,_ no, but…

    He had been repressing it, too. God, it was stupid. They held hands like they were still children. It felt so odd to him; Makoto’s hands had been warm in the same way it’s warm to hold a sleeping kitten. It gave him butterflies and he couldn’t rest no matter how hard he tried, he just took in that feeling. He could feel the others’ fingers wrap around is; every movement made him nervous, it made him tense and anticipate something, but he couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Boys weren’t supposed to do that, Haruka suspected this was why. The most likely situation was just that Makoto forgot how old they are, how other people act at their age, and how boys who weren’t literally 5 were just not meant to hold hands. He came to the eventual conclusion in his mind that his friend really was an idiot and he was being tricked into overthinking it.

    He noticed his expression fading, and said hastily, “Makoto, you did nothing wrong.” That flicker of worry in his eyes didn’t leave, and his warm smile was slipping still - in effort to reassure him, he added, “I think I should be the one asking _you_ what’s wrong sometimes. That’s all.”

    That seemed to do the trick alright. Haruka stood and held out a hand silently, pulling Makoto up from the ground with him. The contact felt unusual in the same way and Makoto didn’t let go as soon as he should have.

    Whatever.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much for "I'm trying to update faster guys!"... 
> 
> This was supposed to be one really long chapter but I got kind of excited and wanted to post the first part, sorry if it's lacking. I'll have the next chapter up later today or tomorrow ♡ (or a couple days...)

     “We should head back.”

     “Yeah.”

 

     About an hour before, Haruka had been pretending to do his homework when his phone went off. It was way too late in the evening to deal with more dramatic nonsense, but while he considered declining the call… he knew he didn’t have anything better to do. He picked up.

     “I thought I told you not to call again,” he answered.

     “And I thought I told you it’s nicer to get a friendly hello when I do.”

     “What is it, Rin?”

     “Wanna go for a run together? We haven’t hung out in a while, and I thought you might like to talk in person instead.”

     “Why?”

     “Because we’re friends? What do you mean ‘why’?” Well, he had Haru beat for an answer on that one. “Taking the train to stop by won’t kill you. I’ll pay you back if you really want.”

     “It’s late.”

     “So? You can stay over.”

     “You live in a dorm…”

     “Yeah?” Rin was being kind of an idiot. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

     “Fine. Twenty minutes.” Haruka then hung up with a sigh. It wasn’t such a bad idea, really. The idea of going running in the night for no reason sounded appealing to the side of him that felt the need for excitement; having been drained of the bits of positivity he had left him bored and spiritless. If he had to pick a person who represented the thrill in his life it would be Rin. And he predicted there was an ulterior motive behind Rin’s sudden proposal, but he thought it to be worth it, whatever it was, so long as he got his own bit of satisfaction first.

 

     “It's thirty minutes back if we’re really fast. That means… a little past 11 at best. It’ll probably be closer to midnight, though. Come on.” They turned around and began to jog at a much slower pace than they had started out with - both were more relaxed as they’d expelled their main energy. “Will you be heading home?”

     “Thought so.”

     “The next train leaves at 11:30. Try to figure it out before we get there.”

     “Okay.”

     Despite the new pressure of getting to the station on time, neither made any effort to move faster. They ultimately slowed to a walk and tried to catch their breath.

     “Are you worried?”

     “What?”

     “You know,” Rin said, shrugging.

     “... Yeah. Aren’t you?”

     “Oh, well, yeah. Sorry. I was just wondering, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It’s… Things are weird, aren’t they?” He paused. “We were never as close as you guys. It’s different.”

     “Let’s talk about something else.”

     “Right… You’re pretty quiet.”

     “I’m always quiet.”

     “No… Tense quiet. Not ‘normal-Haru-every-day’ quiet.”

     “Alright.”

     “I can’t focus if you’re over there brooding.”

     “Then don’t focus.”

     “Damn it, Haru.”

     “What do you want?” He was starting to get irritated. Sometimes it was fine not to talk, or to just think in peace.

     “I _invited_ you so you could get some fresh air or something and clear your head. You’re doing the opposite.” Rin received no response except for the eye-rolling vibes Haruka was giving off. “I’m worried too, but you can’t stay cooped up in your own head. You’ll get sick of it.”

     “What do you expect me to say?”

     “I don’t know. But lighten up a bit.”

     “You’re one to talk.”

     “Hey, watch it.”

     “See?”

     “Whatever…”

     The two passed off to the side as another pedestrian walked in the opposite direction on the path, breaking up the tense air. Haru became aware of how cold his hands were, and how someone had discarded their empty water bottle on the ground nearby. The air was pretty still. He thought it was peaceful. Rin decided to speak up again. “Do you regret coming over here?”

     “Not yet.”

     “Hah. So you don’t hate me, then?”

     “Why would I?”

     “You don’t like it when I call you.”

     “Because you only do it to lecture me.”

     “Not my fault.”

     “It is.”

     “No way. I do that because you need it.”

     “I don’t need so many people confronting me with that stuff,” Haru mumbled, but he realized the complaint opened up another conversation.

     “What do you mean?” Rin stared at him, and just once, he stared back for a moment.

     “Nothing.”

     “Do you mean Makoto? I thought that was your ‘thing’. … Don’t tell me something happened with you two.”

     “Nothing happened, Rin. It was a joke.”

     “Bullshit.”

 

     “You alright to get home?”

     “It’s too late for the train.”

     “Ah… No problem. Hope you’re fine with sleeping over, then.” Haruka shrugged at him. He had brought a backpack with him, hastily packed with his school uniform and things he might need, knowing it was likely he’d have to stay over. He didn’t mind it and it just gave him another excuse to feel like he was some busy important person instead of staying in his home sulking so often. “...You seem kinda out of it still. What’s on your mind?”

     “Don’t.”

     “Calm down, jeez. I just wonder sometimes.”

     “Give me a break.” He sighed.

     “You’re so harsh. Listen, Makoto was telling me about how you’ve been acting, so I was concerned…”

     “You’re still talking about me in secret?”

     “Don’t say it like that.”

     “I’m fine. Trust me.” The statement was completely empty.

     “Mm.”

     Noticing his carefree barrier was slipping, Haru mentally scrambled to make a recovery. In his cool, fluidlike tone, he spoke up again. “Makoto is acting strange recently, so I don’t feel like talking about him.” It was a perfect cover, and he wasn’t even lying.

     “Oh? What happened?” Haruka’s silence was the best reply Rin would receive. “Nevermind,” he sighed.

     “Are we close yet?”

     “Almost, yeah. By the way, don’t stink up the place with your angsty feelings, you’ll disturb the first-years.”

     “Cut it out.”

     Rin snorted at him, finding his own jokes hilarious.

 

     “Oi, Sousuke. Haru missed his train so he’s gonna stay over.”

     “Alright.” Haruka stared at the floor to avoid looking at anyone. He honestly forgot he lived there too, but no use being awkward about it now. By the time he’d arrived at the building he was hit with sudden drowsiness. He doubted he would be able to stay awake long enough to start any fights. “It’s late, so keep it down, you two,” Sousuke continued, vanishing into the hallway.

     “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Rin retorted to himself after his roommate’s sudden, cold disappearance.

     “I’ll sleep on the floor,” Haruka declared and took a prompt seat on the ground.

     “You’re not sleeping on the floor.”

     “There are no other beds.”

     “So get a mat or something.”

     “Do you have any?”

     “Give me a second, Haru, we just got here… I’m gonna change really fast.”

     He turned away out of respect even though neither of them really cared. For the most part, he was just giving him a hard time. He felt a bit guilty at this point for agreeing to stay the night after all. It seemed selfish to use his personal feelings as a reason to invade someone else’s time and space. Rin probably didn’t care, and it was his idea, but… He knew he was just avoiding the stress of his quiet, empty house for the time being, because he couldn’t bear having nothing to think about except tragedy. And Rin had noticed, he brought it up when they were running. Of course it doesn’t matter, even if he felt like he was doing something wrong - he decided he could come to enjoy doing the wrong thing, at least for now. Any chance to avoid his own thoughts was valuable.

     “... Is Yamazaki coming back? I don’t want to be in his way.”

     “He’s probably in the shower, I think he just got back from working out.”

     “At midnight.”

     “He works out a lot, I guess. Don’t worry about him, it’ll be a while.” Haruka turned around again and shrugged. “So…”

     “So?”

     “I don’t know? You’re just quiet,” Rin said absently.

     “You already said that.”

     “And you get pissed off at me when I ask what’s wrong.”

     “Then don’t.”

     “See, _this_ is what I mean.”

     “What?”

     “Guess it doesn’t matter, does it…”

     “Why are you getting mad at me?”

     “I’m _not_.”

     “So why are you yelling?”

     “I wasn’t _yelling,_ either.”

     A few beats of tense silence hit the room. Haruka was focused on the carpet, but he could feel Rin staring at him. It was the feeling of burning guilt, and he wasn’t sure if it was from Rin’s fiery gaze or how he knew he was being judged and questioned. The moment broke when his friend gave a small laugh.

     “You’re frustrating sometimes.”

     “...Sorry.”

     “No, I was being mean. I’m not mad at you.” He paused. “I don’t know how to help.”

     “But I didn’t ask for any help.”

     “Then talk about it so you’ll quit moping around everywhere, alright? Didn’t you say something happened with Makoto? What’s that all about?”

     “Nothing happened, I told you, he’s just acting weird.”

     “How? … If you don’t want to do this now, that’s fine, but--”

     “I can’t.”

     “What?” Haruka shrugged. He was clenching his jaw trying not to wince at his interruption. “Fine. Sorry, then.”

     “Rin,” he said clearly. “It’s really nice of you, but I can’t tell you right now. Please relax a little. I’m alright.”

     “...Yeah. I don’t know, I won’t bother you anymore. I just wish I had some way to tell the difference.”

     “You would know if something was wrong.”

     “Well, I don’t know about that. Can’t ever be sure when it comes to you.”

 

* * *

 

     It was quiet in the morning. He could tell it was still early.

     “Nanase. Wake up.”

     Haruka’s eyes shot open. He had almost forgotten where he was; should anything sober him at the moment, it was the sound of Sousuke barking at him. He sat up slowly and adjusted his eyes to the light. The other boy made no sound as he moved swiftly around the room, preparing his things and getting ready.

     “Where’s Rin?” Haruka’s voice cracked at first, being the first time he spoke since waking up.

     “Not here. ...You’re going to miss the train.”

     He sighed inwardly at the bit of attitude he was receiving. However, his watch told him he was right. It was just past when the sun began to rise. A sense of unease setting in, he scuffled around to reach into his bag and double-check that his uniform was there, and so with his things, he left without even a chilly goodbye. In the first bathroom he could find he got himself ready in a hasty manner. Within his backpack were extra shoes, a travel-sized comb - good to go (sort of). He looked sickly tired and his clothes were mildly wrinkled. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough.

     When he made it to the train, Haruka took the first free space he could find. It wasn’t unbearably crowded, just a lot of people, still enough to make him uncomfortable. Perhaps the morning crowd would be more calm; he wasn’t a fan of riding the train especially when he’d just woken up. So many people in the same space disregarding all sense of manners… He looked around, scanning the strangers around him. Not just to weed out the people to avoid, but also to observe. Though he quickly found himself staring at a young man with blue hair.

     “Rei?” he blurted out. Rei nearly jumped out of his skin before he turned to look at who said it.

     “...Haruka? What are you doing here?” He made his way over with a puzzled look.

     “Taking the train.”

     “But you never do that.”

     “Today I am.”

     “Ah… I see…”

     “You’re just standing there. Is that what you always do?”

     “Oh. I suppose so.”

     “I assumed you read books or something like that.”

     “Not for a while… It’s been quiet, there’s not a lot to do,” he explained tentatively. Haruka felt guilty for even bringing it up. He hadn’t even considered what the past few mornings must have been like for him; for over a year he had been riding the train to and from school with Nagisa. It’s a dull thought - while Haru was out able to spend time with another friend and fool around to avoid being alone with his depressing thoughts, Rei didn’t have the same privilege. “A-Anyway, Haruka-senpai - why are you taking the train suddenly?”

     “I... wasn’t at home this morning. I can’t walk this far across town.”

     “Fair enough. Are you alright?”

     “Yeah.”

     “I’m glad.”

     “Sit with me.”

     The rest of the ride was speechless, though not awkward. The two enjoyed a mutual sense of peace. Neither questioned the other, yet they both understood. It was pleasant.

     Rei got off first at their stop. Behind him, Haruka didn’t know why he stopped walking until he got off as well and caught up. “Rei! Have you seen--” Makoto cut off when he saw him approach. “Haru! Haru, where have you been!? You weren’t home!” He was stunned by the desperation in his voice. He didn’t know how to react.

     “...I took the train today.”

     “But… then where were you?”

     “I spent the night at Rin’s.”

     “I… I was really worried.”

     “I’m okay.”

     He probably should’ve expected this. He and Makoto always wait at this stop for Rei and Nagisa to arrive so they can all walk to school together. So of course he would be waiting there and expect some kind of answer. It was obvious. It felt like anything Haruka did anymore would result in guilt. He watched Makoto, and Makoto watched him. Haru hoped he couldn’t tell what he was thinking, he didn’t want another emotional discussion, but the expression of care and concern in his green eyes betrayed those were his exact intentions. It would be something to deal with later; he looked away instead to avoid thinking about it.

     “Hey,” Rei interjected, “um, we should probably be going to school.”

     “Oh, you’re right. Let’s get going, then.” Makoto hummed a note, wearing a smile that didn’t seem quite right. They all began to walk. It was obvious he was a bit unnerved, though he tried to play it off casual. “How come you were staying with Rin?”

     “I don’t know. He asked me to hang out last night, I missed the train back.” Before Makoto could say another thing, he added, “I left my phone at home.”

     “I… I’m just glad you’re okay. I nearly freaked out… Be careful, okay? There’s a lot of reasons we worry about you.” Haruka got the sense it was more than just ‘nearly’, and he quietly wondered who that ‘we’ was, who was out there worrying about him so much besides Makoto himself.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ... anniversary? Double-length chapter compared to usual.
> 
> More at the end notes.

    Practice ended early that day. It annoyed Haruka but he knew everyone wasn’t really feeling up to it. The way things were turning out, it felt like he would end up swimming less and less. Even if it were the right weather out to visit the beach instead, what point was there in continuing if it became a miserable activity for his friends? Another thing he added to the list of ‘stuff to think about some other time’.

    At home, he remembered his phone was left behind and went off to find it. Four missed calls and a voicemail from this morning - he couldn’t help snickering to himself. He thought the measures Makoto would go to just to reach out to him were endearing in a way only he could manage. But, he had no reason to get into that now either. Everything seemed to make him tired.

    He did have another text, from Rin this time, just a random picture attached to an explanation that it was a dog he saw outside. That kind of thing seemed endearing, too. Haru decided to send him a simple text:

 

**You disappeared this morning.**

 

    Unexpectedly, he got a reply almost as soon as he put his phone back down. The Samezuka team’s training schedule was much more frequent than his own; he wasn’t expecting a response for another hour or so.

 

_yeah, I did._ _Sorry about that._

 

**Aren’t you at practice?**

 

_Apparently not. Actually, I was hoping we could hang out again_

 

**Today?**

 

_Yeah_

   

    He thought for a moment. It’s not like they would be getting into any trouble, and even if it was a bit confrontational, he had a good time the day before. There was really nothing to lose...

   

            **Come over.**

   

    Rin’s arrival was made quite obvious when he swung open the unlocked door. “Haru,” he called, “I’m here!”

    “Don’t yell. I’m right here,” Haru replied blankly, peering out from the kitchen to see him.

    “I don’t get how you can be so mean to me.” Rin smirked, and after closing the door behind him, joined the kitchen. He leaned against a counter and observed.

    “I hope you ate before you came, because I don’t want to cook for you today. Also, I’m not mean.”

    “I did. And I got you this.” Haru reflexively caught what Rin tossed in his direction - a can of soda.

    “Why?”

    “I don’t know. Give it back if you don’t want it.”

    “No. … Thanks.” He stared at the soda even while Rin continued to talk. It wasn't often people went out of their way to do little things for him like that.

    "So… How's it hanging? Have you been up to anything cool?"

    "No."

    "How has practice been?"

    "Rin, if you want something to do, say so instead of asking dumb questions." He dragged his gaze up from the soda to meet the other's.

    "Jeez, alright."

    "I don't have anything interesting to do here, I assumed you just wanted to talk. Real talking, not small talk."

    "I mean… sure I do. Maybe it's just awkward. …I had fun yesterday, you know? I wanted to hang out with you more."

    It was no joke when he said it was awkward. He didn't know Rin to be so forward, and clearly, he wasn't fully comfortable being so himself - he was avoiding eye contact and his face was flushed. Haruka made a perplexed noise somewhere between a huff and a laugh at the sight. It was silly. "What's wrong with you?"

    "What? I'm just being honest. Don't make it weird."

    " _You_ made it weird." Now it was Rin's turn to laugh.

    A moment of silence passed. Haru watched Rin, and Rin looked at the floor. If he was honest, he did miss the time when they were inseparable friends. It was something he thought about often - not just how close they used to be, but about how, even after becoming friends again, their relationship was kept at a distance and things were plain. It seemed Rin had similar thoughts and was trying to rebuild it, although... painstakingly. It was out of character for him, and if Haruka wanted to seize the opportunity he would have to act accordingly.

The world felt strange recently, and when Rin came along to help, he became something to look forward to. He was something exciting and full of different, unfamiliar territory in the way he needed right now.

    "I said I don't have anything to do here. Why don't we go somewhere else?"

    "Yeah? Like where?"

    "I don't know." He paused. "The beach."

    "It's going to get dark soon…"

    "So?"

    Rin perked up, accepting it as a challenge. "Alright, I'm in."

 

    Haru always admired the warm tone the ocean gained at sunset. Rays of sunlight travelled across the water in orange ripples. As the two approached the shoreline, he crouched on the sand near where the tide reaches furthest.

    "This is pretty nice," Rin remarked as he approached and sat on the ground next to him. "Good idea."

    "Yeah." He sighed in a moment of peace as the water drew closer to him and once again receded.

    "You come here often?"

    "…What?"

    "You know, do you come here often?"

    "That sounds like a pickup line."

    "Oh… I--" Rin cleared his throat, halting. It was obvious he tried to stifle himself but after a few snickers escaped he couldn't help but burst into full-blown laughter. "You know what I meant," he wheezed.

    "Do I?" Although his expression and his voice were deadpan, he was clearly teasing. Haruka watched his fit of giggles and how it slowly died out until they met eyes. The atmosphere was lighthearted for once and he felt good.

    It came to his attention that they were just staring at each other and both of them had gone quiet. He looked away to the water again, embarrassed. "I don't come here as often as I'd like to."

    "Why not?"

    "I always have other things to do."

    "At least we're here now."

    "I'm glad."

    "Hey, Haru," Rin began. "This might sound weird, but… Do you ever want to… escape?"

    "Yeah." The red sun, reflected on the ocean surface, cast a glare into Haruka's vision. He laid back lazily on the sand to avoid the bright light.

    "I get this feeling sometimes, this huge urge to go someplace different and start an adventure," he explained, laying down just the same, "and I guess a scene like this gives me that vibe. Watching the ocean together with some sort of distant longing… It's not a bad feeling, but… wouldn't it be fun, though? To get away from things for a while and feel like a kid again."

    "Yeah."

    Isn't that exactly what they were doing now? At least from Haruka's point of view, they were a couple of stressed out kids trying to relive the old days. Those were times where they didn't have to worry about anything, before their original swim club fell apart, when they were innocent. It was something distant, unobtainable; and yet, as long as Rin was there with him, it was the truth of the present just as much as the past. Shamelessly he was attacking these chances to spend time with his childhood friend because of what he symbolised - freedom, the one thing he desperately desired in the middle of this mess.

    Though, running from his problems didn't seem to always be such a bad thing, because spending time with Rin provided something unique he couldn't quite describe.

    "I guess everyone gets nostalgic sometimes," he said softly, breaking Haru out of his thoughts.

    In a spontaneous moment he blurted out what was on his mind. "You make me feel that way," he said, instantly feeling the embarrassment of vulnerability creeping in. Still, slowly, he elaborated, "Sometimes I feel like I want to run away with you." He was terrified to turn his head and look at the other, and when he did, he found Rin staring up at the sky with a blazing look in his eyes.

    "Jeez, Haru." At that point they both had flushed faces. "It's funny. I was going to say the same thing."

    "Really?"

    "I mean, yeah. Being with you gives me that special feeling, too." He inhaled to say something else but never did.

    He didn't have to, after all. Haruka felt a nonverbal understanding had been reached between them, connecting their minds through some fateful metaphysical plane.

    Although the sun hadn't fully set, stars began to twinkle faintly from beyond the pastel atmosphere. The two gazed at them together and watched the sky slowly darken. Rin would tell stories of when he was in Australia, how he would stay up at night and wonder if Haruka would be observing the same moon, how they were still connected by seeing the same stars and the same ocean if nothing else. And Haru listened quietly, earnestly. They stayed there together for a couple hours reminiscing and relaxing.

    They had time to themselves. They could enjoy the simplicity of existence for just a moment.

    The rest of that night felt like a dream. Time moved slower, the ocean glowed brighter, and Haruka was a youthful ghost of himself. When he finally said goodbye to Rin, he lingered in the same spot for fifteen more minutes before he could make himself go home. Walking there felt more like floating - being carried by the currents of a serene river. Something in him definitely changed. A part of his spirit had been uplifted and the weight of things on his shoulders was lighter.

    He went directly to bed and slept peacefully for the first time in days.

 

* * *

 

    "Hi, hi, everyone," a feminine voice called from the door. The three remaining club members in the water returned to the starts of their lanes to greet Kou. She hadn't shown her face for quite a while.

    "Long time no see," Rei remarked, catching his breath.

    "I know. Everything has been so busy." They all grouped up in a cluster in front of Kou, who knelt down on the ground near the edge of the pool. She clutched a clipboard and some papers to her chest. "But Ama-chan said I shouldn't abandon my duties as swim club manager, no matter how many important tests I have, so I guess I'm back here. You've been following the training guidelines I gave you a couple weeks ago, right?"

    "Yes, I've made sure of it." Makoto seemed rather eager to have some structure back in the swim club. "Well… except for yesterday. We ended practice early and went home, but that's fine, right?"

    "Fine?! Of course it isn't fine. You can't be slacking if you want to enter the tournament this year."

    As soon as she said that, a cloud of depression might as well have formed over the boys' heads. Haruka was the first to speak up, his voice leaking cynicism. "You really think we'll make it in a tournament?"

    "Of course you will. That's what you've been training for."

    "We wouldn't be able to do a relay," Rei pointed out quietly.

    Kou pursed her lips. She didn't talk again for a few seconds, as if she needed to carefully piece her words together to approach the topic in the right way. "There's no saying what will happen before then. Besides, you're all really good swimmers - you can enter the independent events."

    "I don't think I'm fast enough for a race on my own." All the implications of this conversation were dreadful for Rei in particular.

    Getting a bit irritated, Haruka spoke up to defend him and hopefully shut things down. "There's no point if we can't do a relay."

    "I thought you might say that. I'd like you to reconsider, so I brought some papers. Writing things down and making lists always helps me keep organized. If you all decide what events you might be interested in, even slightly, we can narrow it down to what will be best for all of you and optimize your training!"

    "I said there's no point."

    At this moment, for certain, it became clearer than ever something had changed. Since this all started, Haru was the one who was determined not to give up the small bit of hope there was for Nagisa's return - even thinking of his name, he swallowed - but now, it was apparent he wanted things to be over with. That's not to say he had given up, it was just… idling on the impossible, wasting time feeling sad about things out of anyone's control, that's what annoyed him at the moment. And in his opinion, that was more like himself than ever, even if he felt he changed a bit since yesterday. No one else should notice.

    "Hey…" Makoto calmly interrupted the tension, and Haru looked down.

    "Listen," Kou said, clearing her throat, "please read what I wrote here, and at least _try_ to stay motivated. I know things are hard right now, so…" An unexpected drop of water hit her face, and she looked up to the cloudy grey sky. "It's starting to rain, I need to get out of here. It's… Wednesday, right? I'll give you until Friday to figure something out." She stood up and began jogging back to the safety of the indoors, shouting over her shoulder before disappearing. "You have my permission to leave early again today, but only because of the weather! I'm giving you a _lot_ of leeway here!"

    Haru radiated pessimism, just as Rei radiated distress, with a weary Makoto in between the two. They stayed there in silence for a few seconds until the rain became more noticeable.

    "I guess we'd better get going, then," Makoto said, laughing in that way he does to brush things off.

    "I guess so."

 

    Haruka was looking forward to going home. There was nothing he wanted to do today more than just that. Upon leaving school he already felt the magical sensation from last night start to resurface. Makoto held an umbrella above them both, as well as the clipboard Kou had given them, but he paid no attention to any of it.

    "Haru, you're getting wet."

    "So?" He wasn't sure how he didn't realize he was being poured on, but he looked away stubbornly and continue walking outside range of his friend's umbrella.

    "You'll get sick."

    "You always say that."

    Makoto sighed.

    The two walked past the beach, and Haruka couldn't help but watch the water absently. As much as he wanted to ignore it, Rin was on his mind to the point of making him dizzy. When the tide receded, he felt this compulsion to go along with it; maybe he would have that feeling once more - that urge to run away together, like they had been talking about.

    "Are you okay?"

    "I'm… fine." He hadn't forgotten his uncomfortable situation with Makoto, he was painfully aware of it. There were a few other people he would rather spend time with right now, even if it was selfish of him.

    "You know you can always talk to me. If you ever decide to do that of your own free will, please let me know."

    "… Thank you."

 

    He paced around his own house for several minutes when he got there. Nothing could be done to settle him. His mind was still a blur with thoughts of Rin, those things they talked about, that feeling he had… the feeling he craved. And someone who understood what it was like.

    What was stopping him from seeking it again? An inner voice told him it was a bad idea, but he picked up his phone and sent a quick text to Rin.

 

**Can you come over?**

 

    Only then was he able to relax. Once again, to his surprise, a reply came quicker than expected, but it was… different.

 

_Why would I want to?_

 

**What? Do you want me to visit you instead?**

 

_lol  
_ _you think i'm stupid_

_I have better things to do. go swim or something if you're that desperate_

 

**What's your problem?**

 

_what's yours? if you're not interested, I don't care_

 

    Rin's messages were getting more cryptic by the second. The more Haru tried to reread them, the more questions were raised. Before he had the chance to ask any, his phone buzzed in his hands with more texts.

 

_Continuing to lie to me from now on is a grave mistake._

_So don't text me anymore. Don't even talk to me. Stop wasting my time_

 

    Haruka's mouth went dry. His heart was pounding, trying to break out of his chest. What could have possibly gone wrong in the few hours between last night and this moment? Did he do something wrong? Is it his fault? He pushed the call button with haste and, holding it up, waited for an answer. He didn't pick up. Haru tried again. No answer.

 

**Answer me**

 

    He called again, this time immediately rejected.

 

_Leave me alone_

 

**Please answer.**

 

_I'm busy._

 

**When are you not busy?**

 

_I don't have time for this_

 

**You're making me nervous**

 

_what a fucking joke_

_what do YOU have to be nervous for? what's wrong with you?_

 

**I'm trying to be a good friend.**

 

_We aren't fucking friends._

 

    Haruka could feel his heart break. Shattered into a million pieces and deposited the shards deep into his bones. The numbness, like a mortifying, icy paste, pushed itself through every vein until it replaced all signs of life in his blood. He could only watch in shock as more text messages flooded in.

 

_I don't think we've ever been friends_

_it was always just you wasting my goddamn time for so many years_

 

    His throat burned. Some sort of vertigo overcame him, not unlike the dizziness he felt thinking of Rin just a few minutes ago. It was sickening. In a desperate last attempt, he called one last time. Rejected.

 

_I told you I'm busy._

_I'm spending time with a real friend_

 

    The nausea became amplified when he saw the attached image - Rin and Sousuke hanging out wherever they were, arms around shoulders, enjoying themselves. Doing what real friends do, apparently. That horrible look, just a slight smirk, on Yamazaki's smug face nearly made him vomit. It was a pristine reflection of Haruka's internal monologue: _You lose. Give up._

    If time slowed the night before, then right this instant, it had stopped completely. The Earth had stopped turning so that Haruka could truly feel the pressure of the entire universe burdening him; he was forced to accept it.

    He didn't do anything wrong, at least to his knowledge, but obviously Rin was under another impression. Guilt gnawed at him. He retraced his steps since last night, and couldn't find anything out of place except for this rotten feeling gathering in his stomach.

    But this wasn't what he wanted to be doing. This isn't what he needed. After some consideration, he blocked Rin's number so that he wouldn't be tempted to look at that picture, turned off his phone, and then went to contemplate alone for an hour or two. He would think about it for a short time and get over it soon like he should have in the first place. He shouldn't have gotten that comfortable to begin with. So it doesn't matter. None of this matters.

    He drilled a reminder into his head: _The more things change, the more they stay the same._

 

    Haruka was back to square one. What had gotten into him, crafting another fantasy to run away from his problems? And now look where it landed him.

    It was going to be fine, though. It always is in the end. That part of him that changed was still there, so if nothing else, he could be thankful for that experience - maybe that was the whole point, to get that one destined thing over with so that there was no need for Rin anymore. It was a twisted way to think about it, but it's all he could come up with to cope in the immediate aftermath. Something, somehow, was going to eventually fix it, and he wouldn't have to put any effort into it; that's how the universe should work.

    For now, he would try his best to go about his business like normal. There was no escaping this grief that pulverized every nerve in his skin, and when he was usually sad, he seeked the company of his best friend.

    God, he had been an ass to him lately. He was almost afraid Makoto wouldn't pick up when he called, but he did almost instantly, so Haru calmly told him to come over and maybe bring some extra flour because he had run out.

 

    "Haru," called out Makoto as he pushed open the door.

    "In here." He was in the kitchen, staring blankly at the counter.

    "I brought the flour you asked for."

    He turned to look and, if possible, produced an even more dull expression. "... Two whole bags? A couple cups would have been fine."

    "I thought I'd be generous about it. Ah… why do you need it, anyway?"

    "I wanted to make something and don't have enough. But, just now, I decided I'm not really in the mood to bake anymore, so it doesn't matter."

    "Oh, I see. I would try and help if I knew how."

    "It's fine."

    "Is that all you needed?"

    Haruka shrugged, realizing he didn't have a backup excuse. He leaned against the countertop and stared at nothing in particular on the floor with his arms crossed. He knew Makoto could read him like a book, and he wouldn't be surprised if he knew the extent of the situation already. For once, he didn't even care; he just needed the knots in his stomach to disappear. There wasn't anyone who knew how to help with that better than him. It's what he needed to get past this as soon as possible.

    "Oh, Haru… Something must have happened."

    "It's fine. I just wanted to spend time together."

    "Hey, your hair is wet…"

    "I was in the bath."

    "I thought so," Makoto sighed with a knowing smile.

    He made a fist with one hand to avoid fidgeting. The anxiety he had just from being alone with him was startling - not that anything else could startle him more today. He carefully tried to say something without giving himself away. "I've been acting silly. I won't do it anymore."

    Makoto nearly jumped. He wasn't expecting such a direct change in topic, of course, and he looked like he _wanted_ to say something but he hesitated. He had to reevaluate his assumptions. "...I don't think you're silly. However you're feeling, you're still Haru, that's the important thing to me. That's what I care about."

    "It's not like that. … Don't worry about it."

    "Saying that kind of thing that makes me worry."

    "Hey," Haru said, dismissing the subject on a sudden flare of motivation. He didn't want to set off Makoto's nerves, but having to deal with his own, it was difficult coming across as cool as he would have liked. "I… shouldn't have avoided you so much. So… now that I said that, can we talk about it?"

    "What do you mean?"

    "You were acting confusing. It wasn't like you." He spoke in the vaguest terms possible so that, even when trying to communicate with him to the best of his ability, he wouldn't have to be so frank with his emotions. Despite this, Makoto understood perfectly.

    "Well…"

    "And you acted like you didn't know what I was talking about. You know what happened, don't you?"

    "I'm sorry… if I did something wrong." Haruka stared at him, watching his face fall - it wasn't often the roles reversed like this. "We can talk. I didn't want you to be upset."

    "Makoto," he said. The way he used that name communicated something other words couldn't - it was an expression, to _him_ , when he was at a loss for words, and to get his attention when things weren't right.

    Without any kind of warning, Makoto reached out and embraced him in a comforting hug. Although Haruka usually found it rude or embarrassing to be touched by others, he made an exception. This was what he needed. The other was warm and gave off a mild floral scent if he was close enough. He took a slow, deep breath to calm his anxiety-ridden lungs, then pulled away.

    "Let's talk tomorrow, okay? Right now, you should be taking care of yourself. You shouldn't be stressing yourself out more than you already have. I promise we'll talk."

    He released a sigh of satisfaction and exhaustion alike.

    "Do you want me to stay here?"

    "I don't want to be alone."

    "Then I'll stay until it gets dark," Makoto decided, beaming. "I promise you'll never have to be alone. I'm here."

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it's been a year (plus one day) since I said I'd update last. Yeah, I've felt sorta shitty about it, but I also think it was good for this fic because I've improved my writing style a lot since then. Here's a monologue about it (don't feel obligated to read this, it's not important):
> 
> I try to make my chapters at least 2000 words, but this is a little over 4000. Which I didn't need to force - it's dramatic, it needed it. You guys were right, I shouldn't pressure myself to do it, that only drives me away from it.  
> I have sort of a new perspective on this story now because I recently rewatched both seasons. I know it's not very clear yet where the plot is going, however, I promise I have the best things in mind! I first started this to deal with some stuff that was going on in my life and since that stuff isn't around anymore, I have new 'stuff', and I should continue taking inspiration from that. I think that was one of the major things holding me back. The plot will stay the same but my execution is only going to get better! I'll absolutely only make myself write when I'd like to, I'm not gonna make up some imaginary schedule just so I can procrastinate on it, lmao.
> 
> Finally, sorry about all the Rin content in this chapter. I will not be tagging this as implied rinharu or anything like that because the extent of it ends here. I know us makoharu fans can be a bit rabid with our favorite boyfriends, but it's plot essential, and sometimes relationships aren't so clear-cut like that. The next chapter will be very Makoto-centric (-: 
> 
> I read all comments I get and try to respond as soon as I see them, and if I take a while again, you can always drop a comment to remind me. Every time I get one I get excited and get to writing ASAP! Thanks for being patient with me, I love everyone who has read up till now as well as everyone new coming to check it out. <3 Hope you're all having a great summer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! I'm excited to post this chapter. The real fun parts are just beginning. I hope you all enjoy.

    Haruka was awake by four o'clock. He slept with ease, and the four or five hours of rest he got were well deserved, but something startled him awake very early in the morning and there was no chance of settling down again. He made himself an early breakfast, lounged about his house, listened to the birds outside wake up, waited for the sky to light up. He did not run a bath.

    He came to the conclusion, without a second thought, that he would have to skip school today. After yesterday's events, he was managing just fine thanks to Makoto's last-minute visit, so it's not that he was too torn up about it to function. He needed time to himself. He wasn't someone of words, and setting aside a specific time just to _sulk_ was important to him.

    He had been wanting to skip ever since Sunday when he first started getting phone calls. This was his opportunity. So, he had everything mentally arranged by the time the sun began to rise - he would spend the day relaxing, brooding, daydreaming, maybe taking a nap if he felt like it, or going for a jog, assuming the weather was nice. He wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

    That wasn't fully true, of course.

    He had brushed off those feelings of panic for the meantime, but any time he wasn't actively distracting himself, he felt it approaching again. A dreadful, faint feeling that slowly creeped through his fingers up to his brain, and would begin to eat him alive if he hadn't become so skilled at otherwise occupying his thoughts. His body felt empty while his nerves were on edge and his mind churned out insecurities to consider before tossing them aside to make room for a new one. It was the exact reason why he needed time, he had to get this over with. Even though he couldn't decide if his life depended on it whether he should run away from his burdens or confront them, he was tired of it. He needed his grasp on reality to return.

    As if on cue, he was slapped into the present moment with alarm. He could hear his front door shift and swing open.

    "Haru!"

    "In the living room," he called back reflexively with wide eyes, and tried to shake off his surprise quickly. After a few irregular days, he must not have been expecting Makoto to show up to his house so they could walk to school together. And of course he would have wanted to check up on him, especially after last night, maybe even more, factoring in that stunt he pulled staying over at Rin's the other night. This was a factor to his plan he had completely overlooked.

    "It's not too often I see you up and about so early," Makoto commented upon walking in.

    "I've been awake for a few hours."

    The look he received for saying so was bewilderment, concern, and confusion all at once. He shot back a look of his own as if to say, _don't freak out._ Makoto had to think about it for a moment before proceeding; he sat down on the floor across from Haru, setting his things aside.

    "Why have you been awake so long?" he finally asked, calm, but puzzled.

    "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep."

    "I see…"

    "Makoto," he began, eyeing his friend as soon as he started getting comfortable. "I'm not going to school today. I've already decided."

    "Haru…"

    "You won't be able to change my mind." He was trying to rip the metaphorical bandaid off as quick as possible so he could get on with his plans.

    "You'll miss practice," Makoto tried to bargain with a sad voice.

    "I know."

    "I-I don't think forcing yourself to be alone is going to make you feel better. We were going to talk about things, remember?" The whole sentence tumbled from his mouth like he had no control over it, and even though it had been blurted out in a messy way, it startled Haruka just a bit; he hadn't really considered what it might look like from another perspective.

    He looked away. "That's not what this is about."

    "Then what do you want me to do?"

    "I didn't ask you to do anything."

    "I don't want to have to go there by myself again," he said. "It isn't the same without you."

    "So what will you do?"

    "I don't know."

    They both got quiet so they could think. Haru wanted to make sure there wasn't any way he could be talked out of this, but at the same time, he didn't want to blow off Makoto again. He had to make up to him for the awful way he had been acting.

    "You can stay home too," he finally said.

    "What?"

    "Skip school with me."

    "…What?" he repeated, this time with a certain degree of unease. "I've never skipped school in my life."

    "Never?"

    "Not even once. That's a terrifying idea."

    "You're welcome to go anyway," Haru said, shrugging. "I'm just offering a suggestion."

    "No, no, I just… Are you sure? That would be okay?"

    "People do it all the time. If they ask, tell them we got sick after it rained."

    "You sound like you've done this before."

    "I'm surprised you haven't."

    "I… I guess I'll stay, then?" Makoto had his hands locked together like he was making an important business decision.

    "What will you tell your parents?"

    "Oh! I forgot to tell you. They're away on business for the next week at the very least. They… probably don't have to know about this."

    Haruka was impressed by his sudden comfort slipping into a lie. "And your siblings?"

    "Our aunt offered to pick them up and take them to school so that I wouldn't have to worry about it."

    "Alright." So it was settled.

    Admittedly, he still wasn't fully comfortable being alone with him again. He was thankful they were returning to their old dynamic, but something about it made him feel a bit… funny. Perhaps playing hooky together was their chance at fixing this.

    If you asked Haruka now why he had been so upset, he wouldn't be able to give a direct answer. It's a weird thing to be upset with. The way it made him feel wasn't right, and instead of holding a grudge against Makoto himself, he was simply carrying that unnerved feeling along with him since then. That's why he wanted to stay away; any unfamiliar, intrusive, bothersome emotion was one to be eradicated as soon as possible, and if not erased quickly enough, it would be repressed with all the others.

    "You were holding my hand," he said quietly. It just slipped out of his mouth. _Might as well get it out of the way,_ he justified it to himself, though anxiety still reverberated through him.

    "What?"

    "And then you tried to lie to me about it. Did you think I wouldn't notice?"

    He could see Makoto twitch. He wasn't ready for the tone of the conversation to change so drastically.

    "You really freaked me out. I didn't want to think about it, so… You know what I'm talking about, don't you? You always know."

    "I know," he replied in a quiet voice. It wasn't weak, and he stood his ground quite well, but Haruka knew he would go soft when the level of tension reached a certain point. "I know what you mean."

    "Well?"

    "I know that you didn't want to be around me as much because I did something that made you uncomfortable. You didn't know how to feel about it. Instead of addressing the issue, I pretended it wasn't there. That must have made you feel a little crazy, right? It wasn't the right thing to do. I'm sorry." He threw a slight smile at the end.

    It was exactly what Haru expected to get out of this conversation, but it wasn't enough to satisfy him. Was that it? Makoto was sometimes _too_ good at this. It's like he skipped over a few steps. There were other things that needed to be said.

    "Ah," he spoke up suddenly, like he came to the same conclusion at the same time. "I shouldn't expect you to forgive me for something like that right away. That's just what I felt about the situation." His thumbs rubbed against each other nervously. Haru wasn't looking directly at him, though he could tell he was being stared at. Being able to see his face with his bright green eyes was the key to understanding each other. Haru supposed that's why he didn't feel like looking at him right then.

    "You're right," he said curtly.

    "Well… Not to put the pressure on you or anything. Did you want to say something, too? I'm just getting that sort of feeling."

    "Yeah," he said. "I do." He didn't know exactly what he was going to say, but for whatever reason he had the strong urge to say it. "… I'm confused. I feel confused. I'm not used to that around you." He took quick pauses to gather himself between statements so he didn't come off too brash or too heated, and to recover from the vulnerability of talking about things. "You acted really weird, and I don't like that. … I don't know why I was avoiding you. I just don't want to feel awkward around you again. … I don't know anyone who's as important to me as you are. So neither of us should do things that would risk that."

    Makoto, of course, smiled at him the whole time. A smile with sympathy, support, and a bit of knowingness as well. "I see."

    "That's all," he said, with a final, resigned huff. It takes a lot of energy to be honest.

    "I know I did something strange. We should have talked about it sooner. I watched the whole thing… It was pretty painful. I made you think about some things you would rather not think about, didn't I? I know you don't like it when the normal routine of things gets messed up. Of course I know that, I should have thought about that before doing something that would hurt you. Something that would put our friendship at risk. I'm sorry for that. That's something I never should have done, and I wish I never did. I really am sorry, Haru," he apologized once more, his smile now regretful.

    Haruka looked up at him again. That was exactly it, he knew the exact details of what was bothering him. They watched each other for a short while.

    "I always know," Makoto repeated back Haru's own words to him with half a chuckle.

    "I suppose you do."

    "What next?"

    "I'm not sure. … Have you had breakfast? I can make you something to eat."

    "Ah, well, I did already eat a little bit… But it's really special if you make it. I know you like to cook, so I won't say no."

 

    And so Haruka prepared a simple breakfast for Makoto, who eagerly helped when he could. He took it as an opportunity not only to learn, but to become closer to Haru. Working together over something lighthearted like breakfast opened them up a little, it banished some of the raw feelings that had been brought up before and gave them a chance to talk casually and quickly. Cooking things for his friends made Haru happy, and seeing Haru happy made Makoto happy in exchange.

    Right up until the moment they finished, Makoto spent his time admiring Haru's skill. He made comments on how professional he looked - "An artist at work," he had said, beaming. Haruka, of course, would dismiss his silly comments with a lazy wave of the hand or a dramatic eye roll, though he was quietly basking in the praise. It felt good. He took care of cleaning everything up afterwards by himself while the other settled down at the table.

    When he finished, he sat on the opposite side of the table with a sense of satisfaction. He could hardly let out a sigh of relief before Makoto startled him with a sudden loaded question.

    "Haru, do I bother you?"

    "What? Of course you don't."

    "I see."

    "Don't ask me things like that," he said, having trouble with how the question surprised him. "It should be obvious."

    "I just wanted to be sure we were on the same page, is all."

    "We usually are."

    Makoto wore a strange, almost _funny_ expression for a moment, and Haruka narrowed his eyes. "I'm probably overthinking things, huh? But… you know what they say about arguments - 'it's never really about what it's about.'"

    "I don't know what that means."

    "It means there's usually a hidden, deeper meaning to fights over small things. I don't know if I would consider what we were doing a 'fight', but I was worried that maybe it was more than just one embarrassing incident that made you upset. That's the theory, anyway, that resentment can build up over time."

    He had no clue what he was getting at. He looked Makoto dead in the eye, but he wasn't looking up at him in return. He still appeared casual, donning a light smile, like they had been talking about the weather. Something about the sight was really getting to him, and he couldn't decide if he should be getting pissed off or just anxious. "I don't have any reason to resent you. We're friends."

    "Mm. That's why I asked, I guess." He leaned back and began to watch Haruka, who watched him just the same, but he felt much less secure. He didn't like this version of him. There was something going on that he couldn't figure out yet, and he wasn't competent to fix it right then and there. Right when he was about to say something, Makoto looked away. "You're a really good friend, Haru-chan."

    He wanted to mumble something about not calling him that, but it felt inappropriate. "What's the matter with you?"

    "Nothing?"

    "Is something wrong?" He didn't get a reply. "Just say it if it's bothering you so much."

    "You know it's not that easy," Makoto told him softly.

    "… I know." Haru sighed to himself. He planted his elbow on the table and rested his head in his hand. "You should eat before it gets cold." He stared at Makoto's plate and spaced out a little, paying no mind as the food was picked up and eaten. He figured things were back to normal again, so why was it so weird? He hated when Makoto was upset. It's painful to care about someone so much and have nothing to offer when they need you. He wished he had more than just this broad, vague idea of what was bothering him. "I don't hate you," he said his thoughts aloud. "You've been saying things like that a lot recently. I wish it wasn't so difficult to talk about it."

    "I don't think it's your fault."

    "What does that mean? It's not your fault either. There's nothing to be at fault for, I'm not upset with you."

    "It's a little more complicated than that. I get insecure sometimes, sorry for bringing it up and making you worry. I'll figure it out eventually."

    Haruka hesitated, but dropped the topic. He was well aware he was being hypocritical. It bothered him when Makoto wouldn't be completely honest about certain issues, even though he did the same thing all the time.

    The difference, however, was that Haru didn't have that same hypnotic gaze and coaxing voice. Makoto could get him to open up with just a smile. He was always there to fix everything, to guide the people he cared about away from darker thoughts and into the light. But Haru wasn't the same way. There were no magic words he could say to make things better, he didn't have the same charm, the same effect that his friend had on him. At least, that's how it felt sometimes. He was burdened with the knowledge that Makoto was troubled and that he was forever stuck unable to do anything about it.

    "... Is it good?" he asked.

    "What?"

    Haru blinked and didn't say anything, but Makoto picked up that he was referring to the food.

    "Oh! Of course it's good - you made it," he reasoned with a smile.

    "That doesn't mean anything."

    "It means you're a great cook. Everything you make is delicious."

    If he was good for nothing else, at least he could serve a good meal. His worries were slightly satisfied for the time being.

    "I know you only do fancier stuff like this on special occasions, and you probably think I'm just trying to flatter you, but I do like it when you cook things," Makoto admitted. "I can tell it makes you happy, and you're really good at it. It gives me a special feeling seeing you put your heart into something. It's kind of like watching you swim."

    It seemed more like he was trying to embarrass him than flatter him. What is he supposed to say to that?

    "You don't have to say anything. I understand," he added right on time with his thoughts.

    Haru was starting to wonder if Makoto was really a mind reader at this point. "Quit doing that," he muttered. His face became flushed and he went back to staring at nothing. Whether he noticed it or not, Makoto simply laughed at him, and they carried on.

 

    Haruka was starting to realize he was bad at the whole 'hanging out' thing. He never had anything to do, and there was nothing for him to talk about. He liked it much better when he was going along with someone else's plans; though, as of late, that was becoming less of an option.

    He didn't mind listening to Makoto talk for a while. He really liked it, in fact - his voice was tender and melodic no matter what he was saying. It was one he had become perfectly accustomed to over the years. He was certain he could listen for hours. But that was all he was doing now. Listening. He wasn't known for being a conversationalist himself, and he felt a bit bad about not being able to respond in equal amounts, even if that silent understanding was still there.

    "You're getting bored, aren't you?"

    "No," Haru said, almost offended by the accusation.

    "It's fine if you are. I'm kind of bored too, we aren't doing much. Let's think of something to do."

    "Not like I'd be much help for that," he mumbled. Still, he looked up to hear what he had to say.

    "It's a nice day out. Maybe we can go for a walk? We can see the beach or something."

    " _No_."

    Makoto's face cracked at the venom in Haru's voice. The air became tense, and neither said anything else for a moment.

    The beach… Of all places, not there, and not now. He didn't want to go. Memories of what had happened came flooding back to him, not as though he had forgotten, but to serve as a reminder of exactly why he felt so empty today. Why everything he was doing - in between the parts where Makoto made him forget - was stained with a hint of dejection and apathy. As soon as the beach was brought up, it was like that memory prodded at his shoulder to let him know, quietly, that it was still there.

    Anxiety gnawed at him yet. Two nights ago, he fell into this trap that he had created himself. This attachment to Rin that he had developed came so quickly and left so fast that it may as well have been a lucid dream. The circumstances were mysterious enough that he wasn't able to figure it out during a night of contemplation, and panic surged in his chest when it dawned on him he would have to discuss it with Makoto. He wasn't even able to talk to _himself_ about it. He didn't have time to prepare something to say to summarize the situation.

    Makoto cleared his throat after a few seconds. "That isn't like you," he said gently. "Something happened, didn't it?"

    "I just… don't want to go there. Pick somewhere else."

    "Haru…"

    "Don't."

    They stared each other down. Their eyes were locked onto the others' and there was no use in breaking the connection. It's like a data transfer. Haruka tried his best to send the worst signals he possibly could to get the message across nice and clear. He was desperate not to have to deal with this right now.

    "Okay," Makoto suddenly said, ending their momentary duel. He wore a nice smile.

    Surely he wasn't going to drop it just like that, though. He knew how he worked, how this cycle of communication worked; he knew this was going to go on for a while. He crossed his arms after several seconds of nothing. "What do you mean, 'okay'?"

    "I mean, 'okay, I won't,' since you said 'don't'. We don't have to go to the beach."

    "... Alright, then."

    "Does it have something to do with last night?"

    Haruka didn't say anything.

    "I see…"

    He rolled his eyes.

    "The weather is still nice. Do you want to go somewhere else? I think it'd be better if we didn't stay cooped up in here all day."

    "Why not?"

    "Because you've been doing that plenty on your own time. I want to see you take a breath of fresh air or something."

    He huffed. He wasn't dumb, he knew exactly what was going on. They lived _by the ocean_. There was no way to leave the area without walking past the beach. "What a pain."

    "I'm trying to help."

    "Just ask me a question directly if you want to be this nosy."

    "And then what?" Makoto retorted. His tone surprised Haru enough for him to look up at him once more. "You wouldn't answer me and we would be stuck again."

_Exactly_ , he thought to himself. On the outside, he gave a resigned sigh.

    "Let's go for a walk. I want to change out of my uniform first, so we'll stop at my place."

 

    It was his own fault that he couldn't say no to Makoto, he knew that. It wasn't a problem he cared enough to address right now. So they prepared for their walk in near silence.

    "You don't have to wait outside," Makoto said to him, "no one is home, so you can come in if you want."

    "Oh."

    "It won't take long anyway, but I don't want you to have to be alone."

    Haruka closed the front door behind him, while Makoto was already halfway to his room. Haru decided he would wait outside the bedroom out of courtesy (and partially out of awkwardness - this weird feeling he suddenly had about intruding while he was changing, even though they'd done it plenty of times before). He sat next to the door.

    There wasn't much to do but listen to the ambient noise in Makoto's house. Something about the silence put him on edge. He was used to living alone by now, so the quiet or the emptiness couldn't have been the issue. Haru realized he'd never been alone in this house before. The twins were always around to make noise, if not their parents as well. Haruka didn't mind. Having a busier household gives the home life, and that's why he loved living so close by and being able to visit when he could. Of course, it wasn't his own living preference. He quite enjoyed the solitude of his own house, and wouldn't give it up for anything. But that was how Makoto lived, and something about that was what made this feel like a second home. The building itself represented a family who welcomed him when his own wasn't around.

    This time, it was empty, and there was hardly a sound to be heard. He felt like if he breathed too loudly it would echo. Occasionally he could hear quiet, muffled thumps through the wall as Makoto got ready. The atmosphere felt hollow. The purpose he associated with this home was gone for the time being. His senses were on alert.

    Twice, he heard a terrible sound. It wasn't coming from Makoto's room, but seemed to produce itself out of thin air. He wouldn't know how to describe the noise. It was soft and high pitched, like the distorted cry of an animal. The first time, he thought he was hearing things and tried to ignore it. It could be anything. The second time then startled him enough that he scrambled to his feet, ready to defend himself. His heart was racing, blood was pounding in his eardrums. He was out of breath and panted out loud but tried so hard to stifle himself so he could hear if the sound came back. It played on repeat in his mind. Someone in danger, a frightened child, a wounded stray, some kind of warning that his life was at stake. _It could be anything._

    "I'm ready, Haru," Makoto called, opening the door. Haruka must have jumped out of his own skin. "Jeez, you look like you've seen a ghost…"

    A ghost, huh… Embarrassed, he looked away. "Let's just go," he urged.

    He received a strange look but they left the house and begin walking down the stairs. He felt kind of bad for acting like that. Something weird was going on in that house, and there had to be an explanation for it.

    "Are you okay? I'm getting kind of worried about you," Makoto asked him in a low voice.

    "Y-Yeah." He furrowed his brow. He knew his best friend was deathly afraid of ghosts, and he didn't want to be the one to upset him, but he wouldn't forgive himself if something happened and he missed his chance to prevent it. "...Makoto, I think your house is haunted."

    "W-What?!" They stared at each other. "Haru, are you trying to make some kind of joke? It's n-not funny…!"

    "No," he said with a grave face. "I heard noises in there… A voice. It was like in a horror movie."

    Makoto made some kind of choked up squealing noise. He wouldn't look up again, but he was surely about to cry. Haru knew he was afraid of ghosts, but he had no idea he would react like this. Both of them stopped and stood together in suspense at the bottom of a flight of stairs. "H-Haru…"

    Shit. He really messed up. He looked for any way to recover from this. "I-I'm not scared of any spirits," he blurted out, trying to save the mood. "So if you want, I'll make sure it's safe when you go home. I could have just been hearing things. Forgive me."

    "Oh, I see…"

    "Yes."

    "So… You could have just been hearing things."

    "Yes, that's it."

    "And… A-And you're going to protect me, if there's really a ghost?"

    "... Yes, I'll protect you. I promise."

    Makoto let out a shaky sigh. "Well, if you'll be protecting me, everything will be fine." Both of them were able to relax a little.

    "We don't even know if it's really a ghost," Haruka added. "It could be anything else."

    "You mean… like a demon?" he asked with a sniffle.

    "I meant more like a cat or something."

    "O-Oh! Right. Um, now that you mention it, I _have_ been leaving food out for the stray cats… I get worried that they aren't eating well enough, so…"

    Haru started heading down the next flight of stairs towards the ground. "You should have mentioned that to begin with."

    "When someone tells me my house is haunted, I don't immediately think about _cats_ , I just think about hiding, or running away… or telling my family goodbye, or…"

    "I get it," he cut him off. "Don't worry. It'll be fine. I think I shouldn't have said anything."

    Makoto sped to catch up next to Haru, fidgeting a bit. "I trust your judgement better than my own. You're right, it was probably just a cat."

    "You're pretty optimistic all of a sudden for someone who was just crying."

    "I-I wasn't crying! It's just… I'm relieved to be with you right now. I think if I was with anyone else I would have really freaked out. But I'm fine now, because I've got you."

    Another moment of silence went by as Haruka tried to figure out how to respond. "What are you even saying?" he muttered, flustered.

 

    But the moment passed, and they forgot about it. The two reached the ground level and continued walking aimlessly. The mood became serious and tough the more they walked on through their usual route.

    "Where do you think we should go?" Makoto asked.

    "I don't know," Haru replied shortly.

    "I've always kind of wanted to go shopping with you. How about a shop somewhere?"

    "I don't have money."

    "Well, window shopping?"

    "Whatever."

    It seemed no matter the time of day or the angle at which he stood, the sun would make sure to shine on the ocean and glare directly into Haruka's eyes. It was like he was being mocked. By some higher power or by the water itself, he wasn't sure.

    "You really seemed like you didn't want to come out here today," Makoto pointed out. Haru said nothing. He had his head turned away as much as he could, and Makoto laughed when he saw. "…I guess you still aren't in the mood."

    "I looked away because the light was shining in my eyes. It's not a big deal."

    "Oh, I see."

    He stopped walking, and Makoto stopped too, turning to face him. Concern weighed on his features before he spoke.

    "We don't have to make a scene out of this if you really don't want to talk about it."

    "It doesn't matter what I want. You're not going to drop it, so have at it."

    "Have at it?"

    "You know. Hit me. Ask me whatever you're trying to ask me. I want to get it over with. I'm tired of having to do this all the time."

    Makoto took a few seconds. He looked over to the sea and thought about it for a moment.

    "… I don't mean to pressure you into vulnerable situations so often. I know it's hard for you, but… I want what's best for you. When I see you struggling, it hurts me, too. So I'm trying my best to fix it for you even when I'm not sure how. That's why I want you to tell me when there's an issue. …I saw how upset you were last night. You even called me over to comfort you. That doesn't happen out of nowhere. What happened? That's all I wanted to ask. What terrible thing has happened that would make you hate the idea of seeing the ocean? With everything that's going on, I get scared any of us might start to lose ourselves little by little. I'm worried about you."

    Haru let out a heavy breath of air and relished in the weightless silence that followed. It was a relief to hear him be honest for once. He dropped a large portion of the tension that had collected in him and was able to speak freely. "You have some nerve worrying this much about me. Don't act like you haven't been acting different lately too. Even today things turned uncomfortable because of your own personal problems. I don't really mind, but I could ask you all the same questions you're asking me now. It isn't only my fault."

    "You're right." There was another pause. Just when Makoto took a breath to speak again, Haruka cut him off.

    "It was Rin. … He's mad at me. We had an argument."

    "Rin?" He seemed surprised.

    "Yeah."

    "What happened? … I'm sorry."

    "I really thought things were different this time. I don't know why I was being so stupid." Haru realized this probably made no sense to Makoto, but he was sure he understood. "… I don't have a lot of friends. I'm sort of running low. What am I supposed to do when you suddenly disappear too?"

    "That's not going to happen," Makoto firmly interjected. "I'm never going to leave you as long as I live. I wouldn't hurt my own best friend that way."

    "You can't promise something like that. Sometimes it's out of anyone's control." It wasn't just Rin he was talking about, anyway, and he wished Makoto would pick up on that. "This wasn't one of those times, though. Something clearly happened between us that pissed him off. I don't know what I did wrong."

    "Haru… I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong."

    "I know," he said. "I don't think I did either. But I must have done something, or else this wouldn't have happened. I messed up somehow in a way I don't realize. Even if I wanted to fix it, I couldn't, because I don't know."

    The feelings of disappointment were coming back to him. It was suffocating to put himself back in the mindset he was in last night. He really felt like an idiot. He had never been an optimist, and neither had Rin. Why did he think they could spontaneously improve their lives together like that? At least he had been punished quickly for the mistake so he couldn't make it again in the future. He was meant to deal with his struggles as they came to him, alone and in complete silence. That's what the signs all pointed to.

    But he wasn't fully sure of that, either. He couldn't be sure of anything, really; even throughout all that had happened lately Makoto was still trying to help him solve every obstacle that came his way. How likely was it that he was being ungrateful again? He looked at him, ready to say something to apologize, but the look on Makoto's face was already so forgiving. He was caught off guard.

    "Let's keep walking," he said before Haru could speak.

    "What? To where?"

    "I don't know. I'll be honest, I secretly brought some extra cash for wherever we decided to go so I could make sure you had a good time. It's not a lot, I just wanted to buy you something."

    "You really think I would let you spend your money on me out of nowhere?"

    "Not without you making a fuss about it." Makoto laughed, and Haruka relaxed again. "We'll find something to do. We can talk more along the way if you think it'll help. Let's just have fun for once."

    "Yeah," he said. He wasn't sure how the tension between them was able to be dissipated so quickly. _Let's just have fun for once_ \- he didn't want anything more than that.

 

    They walked together into town. Haruka told him about his troubles with Rin. He wasn't sure why, but he felt like they were kids again. Some kind of barrier in him had been unlocked and he didn't feel the need to be so aloof just in that moment. He talked about how he was feeling recently and why he seemed to be shutting Makoto out in favor of this fantasy he had built up. He told him about their surreal moment on the beach and about Rin's sudden aggression the following day. _It felt like heartbreak_ , he said, _I felt crazy_. It was all so confusing, he had difficulty explaining exactly what happened, but Makoto listened to every word and understood. It felt nice.

    Their little adventure didn't end up being too eventful. They spent most of their time wandering around, hanging out, and peeking into unfamiliar shops that didn't look like the type to rat them out for skipping school, and it was fun. Haruka was enjoying spending time with him like this; Makoto was pretty much glowing with the utter excitement of being able to cheer Haru up.

    Makoto eventually blew over half the money he had brought on trying to win at a crane machine. Haru told him over and over that those things were rigged and that he should give up, but some competitive part of Makoto must have taken over and he kept at it. In the end, after several tries, he did win an odd looking stuffed animal and immediately gifted it to Haruka, who took it as a physical symbol of 'I told you so' from his friend. They had a good laugh over it.

    Near the end when they were planning on going home, Makoto brought the two of them to a photobooth and insisted they take a few photos.

    "I don't really like having to take photos," Haruka said, giving him a strange look. "You should know that."

    "I know, I know. But I'd really like to try it today."

    "Why?"

    "Because," Makoto said, smiling, "I want to preserve this day."

    "What does that mean?" As tempting as his smile was, Haru wasn't convinced.

    "I don't know. We're having such a good time, and I want to be able to remember how happy we were. No one knows what could change after today."

    Something about how he phrased that really struck Haru with an eerie feeling. Not wanting to interrupt the moment, he brushed it off and agreed to take photos together. There was a strip of four pictures, and they tore it in half so they could each keep two. Haruka picked which ones they would keep; he told Makoto to keep his favorites because he thought he looked better in those than in his own. He seemed pleased with this arrangement and they both started to head back home.

 

    They returned some time in the afternoon after being out for a couple hours. Passing by the beach their conversation had returned to the topic of Haruka's situation with Rin. It wasn't as emotionally heavy this time, it was only something to talk about.

    "Oh," Makoto said at one point, after they had re-entered their neighborhood. "I was kind of surprised when you called me over asking for flour yesterday. I thought you baking was a rare occurrence."

    "I don't generally do it. I'm better at cooking food. I kind of just needed a reason to get you to come over."

    "Ah. That's what I thought."

    "It's still fun sometimes. My late grandmother had a recipe for cookies that I use every once in a while. I can make some for you, if you'd like."

    "Oh, how thoughtful. I couldn't ask you to do something like that for me, though."

    "I don't mind. I had fun cooking with you earlier today, so maybe we could make them together."

    Makoto laughed nervously.

    "What?"

    "It's… nothing. I don't want you to trouble yourself for my sake."

    "What are you talking about? It's not 'troubling' me. Were you not enjoying yourself today?"

    "Of course I enjoyed it! I just… I don't know. You're right, maybe someday we'll be able to make something together again."

    He huffed and kept his thoughts to himself. He didn't want another annoying argument over Makoto acting strange. Things were finally supposed to be getting better, weren't they? Negativity settled inside his brain yet again.

    "I think I'm going to head home from here," Makoto said. "Sorry! I hope you don't mind. I'd love to stay over longer, but I'm pretty tired, and I think the kids will be back soon."

    "Oh. That's alright." He hadn't even noticed they had they were already so close to home.

    "Will you be okay on your own?"

    "Yes."

    "We still have school tomorrow, don't forget."

    "I know."

    "So I'll see you then, got it?"

    "Right." Haru felt bad suddenly giving short answers, but it wasn't his fault the mood had changed like that.

    "Okay, well… bye, then!" Makoto waved and finally started up the stairs to his house.

    Haruka was left standing there alone. It felt like he needed to contemplate something, but he wasn't sure what. The way their conversation ended left him feeling unfulfilled. Slowly, he made his way back to his house.

    Before entering, he took a long look at the plushie Makoto had won for him and thought about what he had said. _No one knows what could change after today._ What did he mean by that? Once more he felt as out of the loop on his own life as he did when the day began.

 

* * *

 

 

    Haruka went to bed early that night. He was exhausted. He wasn't really the type to go out and do things, and spending the entire day with Makoto was enough activity for the whole month by his standards. He bathed himself early in the evening; by 8 o'clock he was asleep.

    He dreamt of the sea. It wasn't the kind of dream that had a beginning or end. He was able to swim in the endless water forever, at incredible speeds, with ease and a sense of grace he hadn't ever felt before. The waves would carry him back and forth - he followed their lead. If he couldn't see his own hands before him, he would think he had become a fish. It was like he was dancing with the water, like they were waltzing together to some inaudible song of nature. He was certain he could hear the song better when he dove under, so he dove, and he swam deeper and deeper thoughtlessly. He didn't have to breathe.

    The deeper he went, he lost his rhythm. The ocean surrounded him with darkness as he strayed from the light. He struggled to swim any further. And yet he embraced this state. It wasn't frightening, to him, to be so thoroughly submerged by the unknown. How irresponsible of him to let go of himself like that; but oh, how free it was to have no more responsibility at all.

    This was the first dream he had in a long while. He wished he could stay like that for the rest of time, but he knew that's not how it works.

 

    Late in the night, Haruka was awakened by the sound of his phone ringing. He wasn't startled by it, only confused and disoriented. He was sad for his dream to be interrupted, though it was too early to be sad, so the dull sickness of being half-asleep took over instead. No one really ever called him; there was only a limited selection of people it could be. He answered after briefly collecting himself.

    "Makoto?"

    "Ah, Haru…"

    "It's… late." Haruka squinted at the bright numbers on his digital clock reading 3:42. There was something dark in his voice that made Haru anxious.

    "Sorry! I-- I didn't mean to bother you. Were you sleeping?"

    "Yeah." He sat up a little more in his bed. "But it's fine. What's wrong?"

    "Oh… I was just making sure you were alright."

    "I'm okay."

    He closed his eyes, quietly listening to the white noise and the sound of Makoto breathing.

    "Sorry," Makoto spoke up again. "I should probably let you get some rest, right? I'll--"

    "Wait."

    "Huh?"

    "Is something wrong? If that's why you called, you can tell me."

    The speaker erupted with static as Makoto let out some tense laughter. "I've already caused enough trouble for now, haven't I?"

    "I'm awake so we can talk. It's nearly 4 AM. I would assume it's something important at this hour."

    "Well… It- It's just nice to hear your voice, Haru. I'll be fine."

    Haru sighed, leaning back. "I'll fall asleep now if you don't say something."

    "W-Wait!"

    They were both quiet for a moment after that. Haruka's eyes opened while he waited.

    Inexplicably, his heart began to pound at the crackling sounds coming from the speaker as neither of them spoke. Words must have been failing him. Something about it made his stomach knot up, and the anticipation grew the longer he said nothing. He thought about how grave he sounded when he answered the phone. The paranoia crept up behind him.

    "… Makoto?"

    In response he heard a soft sigh. He couldn't make out any words, and with more desperation, he called out again.

    "Makoto, are you--"

    "Haru," he said suddenly. Quietly, solemnly. Haruka's mouth went dry. "I think I'm in love with you."

 

_What?_

 

    The air caught in his throat and choked him. The seeds of anxiety planted in his lungs sprouted and brought heat to his face. Everywhere, even - his whole body became hot, as if he had been plunged into warm water. He swallowed. He was breaking into a sweat. He couldn't feel his fingertips, his lips.

    His breath came out in ragged pants. He was suddenly aware that he was still on the phone.

    "Are you trying to make a joke?" he asked him, whispering. His words barely escaped him, but Makoto understood nonetheless.

    "No. I meant it. I'm sorry."

    "Why do you sound so calm? Are you serious?"

    "I promise I'm freaking out more than you ever could," he said, giving another sad, quiet chuckle.

    Haruka thought he might be getting seasick from all the flips and turns his stomach was doing.

    "I'm sorry, Haru."

    "I can't talk," he told him, overwhelmed with his own confusion. "I need time to think."

    "I understand."

    He ended the call.

 

    Where did this come from? Why now?

    Haru couldn't clear his head. The fuzziness of nighttime wouldn't go away and it was impossible to think clearly about what Makoto had just said.

    He got up, went to the kitchen, and poured himself a glass of water. He drank the whole thing, refilled it, and drank that, too. It didn't seem to help in sobering him from this offbeat dream he was stuck in.

    He received a text, standing there, and didn't even have to look to know it was Makoto.

 

_We can pretend this didn't happen if you want to._

_We don't have to talk anymore either if that's what you want._

_I don't want to cause you any more trouble._

 

    He had such a headache. He needed to go back to sleep.

 

**I'm not mad at you.**

 

_Okay. I'm sorry_

 

**I'll see you in the morning.**

 

    In bed, Haru couldn't move on. It didn't take long for him to doze off again, but in that time he stayed awake, his mind was occupied with thoughts of Makoto and nothing else. He didn't lie - he wasn't mad at him. He was _scared_. He wasn't sure what this meant for himself.

    This was fucking weird, right? It was _bizarre_ . All of a sudden _this_ had happened, to _him_ for some reason, with _Makoto_ of all people, his male best friend who never showed an inkling of interest in other men in the several years they had known each other. They knew everything about one another, they shared every secret they had, they really could read each other's minds at this point. He couldn't bear to think he was so oblivious all this time, that there was a side to Makoto he had no clue about. But it felt equally improbable that the universe would turn itself upside down and create a series of terrible events to throw his way out of nowhere. This was real life. He tried to piece it together and looked for some kind of proof.

    It explained a lot of things. Why everything was different, and why Makoto was acting different. Why Haruka had begun to feel strange around him, too. His brain was stuck on that part - the way Haru had adapted to his new behavior, the unfamiliar feelings that arose from it.

    Makoto was in love with him. What would happen if he was in love with him as well? Why was the thought of it so horrifying? He had butterflies in his stomach, but it felt more like he was being stabbed, he was being tortured mercilessly in the most painful way. If he was lucky, he'd just bleed out and die right there. He fell asleep pretending that was what was happening instead, ignoring the occasional times he felt his insides melting together at the mere thought of him. 

_So much for a peaceful day off_ , he thought as his consciousness drifted away.

    This was all a problem for tomorrow's self to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one minds me using these post-chapter notes as a sort of soapbox. While it doesn't seem like I update a lot, I've become quite invested in this story. In between chapters, I tend to write snippets for future content to practice writing, and I like how things are turning out, both in terms of the story itself as well as the way I'm improving. This fic started out as a very loose and messy throwaway concept so seeing it brought to its full potential is pretty nice.
> 
> This chapter was about 8000 words, which is... 6000 words more(!!!) than most of my old chapters. I don't want this to become the new standard since it's sort of difficult to write that much, but I'm super pleased to come out with an update full of extra development.
> 
> To be honest, I'm really not the best at writing romance (there's a reason for the tags not being full of fluff), and the way I feel about the central romance in this story has been constantly fluctuating, so I'm sorry that this buildup might have seemed awkward. But the exposition is over now and the best parts are about to begin.  
> I have about 4000 words worth of content written for the next chapter already, and because of this, I expect it to come sooner than usual. Also, season 3 is coming soon!!! That brings a whole new level of inspiration. I'm trying really hard!
> 
> Anyways, hope you guys liked it, and I hope the next update comes soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again!
> 
> a quick warning to please stay mindful of the content warnings for this chapter.
> 
> enjoy!

    Haruka noticed something strange at school.

    It was Friday morning. It was the morning after Makoto confessed his supposed love for him, and, while not as much of a priority, it was the day the swim team was supposed to figure out training plans. That was all he could register when he woke up. Both of those things, along with the whole day's schedule, seemed to be forgotten, lost in a haze that had bled over from the night before.

    They were quiet in the morning. With how little he and Makoto spoke on their way to school, Haru thought he might still be sleeping. The weather was overcast again, and a bit too cold to be comfortable. He assumed it was just one of those dull, sluggish days where your body won't fully wake up because it isn't worth it.

    But he noticed something strange the longer they stayed together, and it came to a crescendo as soon as they walked through the school doors. That energy was coming from Makoto himself. The closer he was, the greater this mental fog intensified. Any time he thought of something to say, he held his tongue because he felt it wasn't right. He was being continuously silenced by this bleak atmosphere he sensed. It was a cloud of depression devouring all around him that just wasn't there for any of the other students; when they momentarily separated, he was able to focus better, and when they met back up he may well have blacked out from how sudden the fuzziness hit him.

    He couldn't place what it was. They wouldn't talk to or look at each other, so he had little to run with. It could have been some kind of tension between them on Makoto's end, he imagined. Maybe he regretted saying he loved him, even though Haru wasn't upset about it. Maybe he wasn't aware Haru wasn't upset in the first place. Not like they had the chance to clarify, though.

    Before class even began, Makoto suddenly made himself scarce. Haru felt like he needed to keep track of him, lest this dark aura of his spread to anyone else. He wasn't the type to chase him down, so he waited alone outside the classroom for him to return. He was getting an uneasy feeling the longer he was gone.

    The air was clear when he was away, and it was like he suddenly had room to breathe, and time to think. Haruka was in disbelief, still stunned by the confession of love he had received. He wondered if the way the two were feeling today was the result of having to numb themselves to get by. It was possible they could only carry on through the day like normal if they prevented themselves from thinking about it - and, consequently, from thinking about anything else, either. Now that he had left there wasn't any choice but for his mind to wander.

    He felt a little sick thinking about it. It wasn't that he was disgusted or anything, he simply felt ill, as though he had come down with a stomach virus. There was no telling how long ago Makoto had decided he was in love. Out of all this time together, how much of it did he spend longing for him in secret? And he had no idea all along. He wouldn't have ever guessed it, not in a million years.

    He supposed the confession itself, or its implications, weren't what he had an issue with. He and Makoto had been through a lot together already, he could never bring himself to hate him, no matter what he did. It wasn't his business if he was… gay, or whatever else he decided he was. When it involved him and the nature of their relationship, however, it begun to sting. Being forced to question himself and his reality, his judgment of his best friend, his own entire identity; it was excruciating.

    No one had ever taken romantic interest in him before. He had no idea it would be so painful when it happened.

    He didn't even know why it made him feel this way. Perhaps he was afraid. Worst case scenarios and "what if"s surged through his head. He was certain he would fuck everything up and lose the person most important to him. In a way, it felt like he already had. His chest ached from the labored breathing of an oncoming anxiety attack.

    Makoto had been gone for a while now. Why was he so bothered that he wasn't here? It was fine to be apart for a moment. It probably wasn't normal to be this worried about one person all the time. Did that mean he loved him, too? He couldn't answer that question himself. He didn't know what love was supposed to feel like. He had never developed a crush on anyone, not even when he was young, so he didn't know the signs. The way he always looked at it was that he wasn't interested in romance as long as he already had someone by his side who understood him so intimately.

_No, no, no. Wait._ That was a stupid thought. He was being stupid. What was he thinking? He wanted him to come back already so he could continue filtering out his mind. It was troublesome being left alone to overanalyze things.

 

    But when he showed up, Makoto was completely feverish. The relief that flooded Haruka at the sight of him was quickly diminished and replaced with dread. He didn't seem to fully be paying attention. His posture was slouched over, he didn't walk in a straight line, and he tried to duck into the classroom without noticing Haru standing there. Without a doubt he was in a daze.

    "Makoto," he said, trying to catch his attention, shocking Makoto out of his body.

    "H-Haru! I didn't see you…"

    "What's the matter with you?"

    Makoto didn't hear - or, at least, that's what he acted like. Even when he had acknowledged Haru, his gaze was a thousand miles behind him. His skin was pale and clammy and his eyes wandered aimlessly, unable to settle on anything. It was a bit terrifying seeing him this way. He had taken on the demeanor of a living corpse. Was this some kind of breakdown or something?

    Haruka hadn't even considered how he must be feeling about all this. He didn't look like himself. He looked like a dead man. His own emotions felt miniscule in comparison to how ghastly Makoto had apparently worked himself up to be. How selfish had he been? He was only thinking of himself, and in the meantime, Makoto was literally worrying himself sick. He needed to get through to him somehow.

    He tried once again to enter the classroom, but Haruka grabbed his forearm to stop him in a sudden impulse of desperation. Out of nowhere, Makoto let out an incredibly pained yelp, tearing away from him to clutch his own wrist. Haru stared at him with wide eyes. Makoto stared right back, eyes even wider. Haruka could see the delirium in his pupils. He was approaching the point of hysterics.

    "What's wrong with your wrist?"

    His mouth hung open, unable to find the words. He held tightly onto the hem of his sleeve, subconsciously pulling it as far down as he could. He was hiding something under there. The realization dawned on Haru in horror.

    "Makoto, what did you do?" The way they looked at each other was raw with primal, electric panic. He stepped towards him, and the other took a step back. He had harmed himself and didn't want Haru to know. He had probably slit his wrists. He even could have done it a few minutes ago, just now, while he was gone. What the fuck? Why was he hurting himself? _Why did you do this?_ he wanted to ask, but they were both frozen. _What happened?_ He tried to get close again, but Makoto moved even further away. He looked like he would faint.

    "I… I-I need to go use the restroom. So don't wait for me, okay?"

    He turned around and made a run for it, fleeing, escaping the scene.

    Haruka stared after him.

 

    There was nothing he could do. He entered class by himself and sat down at his desk and waited for it to begin. He was so lost in thought that he couldn't even _tell_ when class started. He had shut down.

    He felt himself producing the same dark energy he had picked up off of Makoto earlier. It was a thick fog that occupied his entire brain and left room for nothing else. He sensed that if it wasn't there protecting his emotional state from overflowing, he would be in terrible, traumatic pain. This state of dissociation held back a barrage of grief and anguish. It was there, but distant. He didn't have to worry yet.

    The thought of Makoto hurting himself made him very, very sad. Not sad enough to feel it - he couldn't feel anything now. But it was such a sad thought. If he was hurt that badly from being touched there, it must have been quite recent. Haruka wondered if it was because of him, and his reaction to the confession last night. Unless something was going on in Makoto's life that he wasn't aware of, there wasn't anything else it could be. Guilt managed to trickle in through the barrier of fog.

    He had never known his friend to do something like this. A person has to be really desperate to feel the need to injure their own body, no matter the intentions - to end one's life, or even only to release the pain, to make it to the next day. And the deathly state he was in when he saw him just then was mortifying. He realized he had no idea what Makoto's mental health was like. That makes two things he hadn't noticed all along. His image of Makoto was changing too fast. There was no time to process any of these changes, and they hadn't gotten the chance yet to talk about any of this.

    He stared at the empty seat where Makoto would sit. He was so lonely today. It really was sinking in as time went on. Every waking day was lonelier than the last. It was like he found himself without another friend each time he let his guard down. _I don't have a lot of friends. I'm sort of running low_ , he had told Makoto the day before. Now they couldn't even talk to each other.

    How depressing.

    He was keeping so many secrets from him that it seemed inevitable they would fall apart. He couldn't imagine it happening, but it seemed like that was the next step. Haru wasn't a friendly person. If things didn't work out between them, he would almost definitely never find someone else again. He dreaded the day it would come. He wasn't ready. He wanted to grab hold of Makoto and never let him go. He was incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to befriend someone so kind, and here he was, watching it waste away. If he really ended up alone, what would he do then? He already didn't care about anything. He wondered if he would starve to death in his house out of laziness, apathy.

    But he was getting ahead of himself. When it came to Makoto, things always worked out, didn't they? Any other day, he would answer the question with a definitive 'yes', and forget about it. The mist enshrouding his mind was blocking out logic and rational thought just as much as it blocked the anxiety. He would have to revisit this line of thought when he was more lucid. He didn't feel like it right now, as he didn't ever feel like it. He would keep setting his problems aside for the rest of his life.

 

    Hours passed by in what felt like minutes. He didn't remember anything from class because it all happened so quickly, and he spent every minute of it thinking about Makoto. He had calmed down at the very least, enough for the haze to settle back in so that he wasn't able to think about it cohesively. He had never felt such a deep sadness that barred his body from moving and his brain from working. All of his muscles had been replaced with stones and his head was just so… heavy. But he wasn't weighed down by emotion for now, and could go on pretending it was fine long enough for him to keep moving.

    He didn't plan on avoiding it. This issue was one he would have to fix sooner rather than later. He would talk with Makoto after school, not during, so that he had time to think about what he wanted to say; every time he tried to plan out some kind of confrontation, though, he panicked a bit and cast it aside again so that he could focus on getting through the day. It would probably be the sort of situation where it's best to improvise.

    For lunch, Haruka made his way to the roof. It was what he was used to doing. He was operating on autopilot mode until the worst parts of today were over.

    It was a bit jarring when only Rei was there. He leaned against the edge in the corner, overlooking the campus, the pool. Haru's mouth went dry, but he approached his friend and leaned over the edge just the same. He wondered how much more vacant his usual hangout spots could possibly become.

    "Hello, Haruka-senpai."

    "Hi."

    "Is Makoto not here?"

    He wasn't expecting that question, and had to think carefully about his answer. He was so out of it that, while he recognized the scene was desolate, he didn't really consider that Makoto wasn't here to join them and how unusual that was. "He… isn't here."

    "I see."

    He was beginning to feel anxious, though. Considering how he had been acting today… He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if something happened to Makoto and he wasn't there for him. He got out his phone as casual as possible and worked up the courage to send him a quick text.

 

**Are you okay?**

 

    It gets the message across. If he didn't respond soon enough, which he undoubtedly would if he was able to, _then_ Haru could start to worry again. He had thought about this too much today already.

    He sighed. Rei sighed, too.

    "Did you have your lunch already, Rei?"

    "Ah… I didn't bring lunch today. I'm not hungry."

    Something about that annoyed Haruka, but he couldn't say anything about it, since he didn't bring any lunch either. Despite how particular he is about his meal preferences and how he believes they should be done, he had gradually started depending on Makoto to bring something for the both of them. It wasn't like he asked him to, but he really didn't ever feel like eating during the day, and Makoto gets worried about that sort of thing. He had started taking it upon himself to make things right.

    Haru understood that urge, at least in this moment. He was worried about Rei. How can you know if you'll be hungry enough to have lunch a few hours ahead of time, anyway? That only shows he had gotten used to skipping meals already.

    He still didn't point it out. He stared absently at the trees below him, bristling slightly when a breeze came through, otherwise unmoving. The quiet was unsettling.

    "Rei," Haruka said, for some reason. He surprised himself and felt a bit embarrassed when Rei turned to look at him. But he wasn't upset or startled. He just… understood, it felt like.

    "Haruka," he began, turning back to watch the world below, "you know, the authorities are unhopeful at this point. It's safe to say they have given up, for the most part."

    He furrowed his brow but didn't say anything. He wasn't surprised at all by the grim tone in Rei's voice. Nagisa's disappearance had been hitting him the worst of them all, and he was slowly losing his ability to hide it. However, as with being helpless on how to cope by himself, Haru was twice as clueless as to how he could possibly support his friend at the same time. It felt like everything was falling apart and the only thing to be done was watch it happen. The two of them were standing in the debris.

    Rei continued. "I'm a man of order myself, but it seems the police are good for nothing. They aren't truly there to serve justice, are they? I went to the station two days ago to give them every single detail I could to offer help with this case, and they didn't want to hear it. I'm not sure if it was because they already exhausted every possible option themselves, but that moment really solidified that there is nothing I can do. And if those who are _supposed_ to be doing something simply don't feel the need, then there is nothing else to be done, period. It's over."

    A mix of anger and sorrow swelled in Haruka's chest. He didn't want to see his friend like this. He was talking to the broken, depleted version of Rei. If everything had stayed as it was, no one would have to break apart and expose these depressing versions of themselves in an attempt to fix things. None of it was fair. "Just because they give up doesn't mean you have to," he said. "It hasn't even been a week yet. It's too soon to be sure about anything."

    "I would give anything to have the same hope you still have. I'm already far beyond that point." It isn't fair. This isn't how things should be. "You are not naive, but I know you aren't optimistic, either. It surely isn't _realism_ giving you such persistent faith. So what is it? Fear?"

    Haru didn't know. He felt empty. He was angry and sad and empty, and all of the above were fighting inside him. It had been that way for six days. His stomach was twisted into impossible knots.

    "I don't fear death," Rei said, monotone. "It would be stupid to do so - it's the most basic principle of biology. The cycle of life continues. Everybody dies, _everybody_ , and we simply have to accept that. However…" He paused to collect himself for a moment. He turned around so his back was to the wall instead, and the only things to look at were Haru and the sky. He smiled sadly. "However, even I, the most definitive, logical person to possibly end up in this situation, can tell when things are unfair. We can argue that the game of life and death itself is unfair from the start, but… This is simply on a different scale altogether. He was so, so full of life. Every waking moment he was so unmistakably _alive_. He brought life to everyone else. He made me feel alive. It wasn't supposed to be his time to go, and wasn't going to be for a very long time. That's an indisputable fact."

    "It isn't fair," Haru murmured.

    "It isn't fair," Rei agreed softly. "If Nagisa is out there lying dead somewhere, then it can only be because he had his life stolen from him. Someone stole a precious, beautiful gift in an act of selfishness, and now it is lost forever. It is not fair. If he is dead, all I can think about is how someone who wasn't so important should have taken his place. It shouldn't have been him. I would have made the sacrifice without hesitation."

    Haru's stomach lurched. It was like he was on a car ride that came to a screeching halt with those words, his body thrown forward by the momentum. "Don't be ridiculous. Don't say things like that," he erupted in a harsh voice, loud enough to get a couple glances. Whatever tension he had built up inside from not being able to reach out to Makoto came spilling out now. "We need you, so don't start saying things you'll regret. I need you to stay with me." He was just shouting anything he could think of.

    He smiled again. "That really freaked you out, didn't it, Haruka? I'm not going to kill myself, if you're worried. If that were an option, I might take it, but… I told you I'm not stupid when it comes to death. You don't need to be so concerned about me, I assure you."

    "You're my friend," he uttered, just barely managed to say, before words failed him completely. _And I need you_ , he wanted to tell him. _I don't want to lose anyone else. We need each other. I need you._

    "I don't know what to do," Rei admitted, eyes glazed over from staring at the sun. "I give up. But what does that mean? What do I do now that I've given up?"

    There was nothing to say at first. They were in sync, he felt. There were times Haru sensed a special connection between himself and his friends, and this time, with Rei, the link between them was built on misery and helplessness. There wasn't anything he could do but listen and understand. That's how these things usually go, anyway, but _god_ , he really did understand this. There was no way for him to know exactly how Rei felt about Nagisa, or what the nature of their personal relationship was like outside of the group, and yet the emotion he was hearing in Rei's voice was too familiar. He found comfort in their shared emptiness.

    That was what it was. Again and again the only word he could think of was "empty". How empty must Rei have felt? A part of his spirit was missing, he was the same as Haru. Standing there on the rooftop of the school, together, they had created their own universe just for the pair of them, who understood what it was like for the other. He wished for a day where they could feel that same connection in a better light. He hoped that, someday, they could use this bond to win the perfect relay together. In a future where things weren't so terrible.

    He knew what he wanted to say now.

    "Giving up isn't an option," Haruka decided. "I always try to give up, too. But there's no such thing. … As long as you're still eating, and sleeping, and breathing, everything that burdens you will always catch up to you until the day you die. You can't run away from being alive."

    " _Until the day you die_ ," he echoed, turning his head barely enough to be able to see the other's face. Haru's heart stood still for a short moment as he looked into the blank pair of lavender eyes. "Like I said, I can't kill myself. As long as that's true, I won't be able to give up. That's what you're saying, isn't it?"

    "I think so."

    "You have to stay alive, too. That's why you're telling me this. You gave up a long time ago, but because you remain living, it makes no difference."

    "Yes."

    "I had a feeling you would understand."

    Haruka felt like he needed to catch his breath.

    "It's unfortunate. It's a really unfortunate existence," whispered Rei.

    He wasn't sure if they had the same thought process. He wasn't suicidal; it sounded like Rei wasn't either. Perhaps they shared the view that it's troublesome to keep living and having to deal with the bad parts, despite all the good. But Rei was much more analytical than he was, and it seemed like he put a lot more thought into it. Haruka could never be so aware. He didn't even think this deeply about it until he started this conversation. Shoving those thoughts and that depression aside, deciding to deal with it tomorrow just to spare himself today - that was his own way of "giving up". Rei wasn't the kind of person who could cut himself a break like that. Things must be overwhelming him a thousand times more than they do to Haru. Concern pushed its way back to the front of his emotions.

    "You should take care of yourself," he said. Rei laughed and tried to dismiss the comment by adjusting his glasses. "I'm serious. You need to eat more."

    "Well… Whatever, fine."

    "You were out here all by yourself when I saw you. Try not to be alone so often, either."

    "That's not something I get to decide."

    "That's not true. Spend more time with your classmates. Don't you have friends?"

    "Nobody who's as close to me as you guys are," he mumbled. "A-And anyway, you're one to talk, Haruka. Take care of your own self before you start acting like you're my mom or something."

    Haru huffed. "… I'm trying."

    Rei's face fell again and he looked away.

    "Even if you don't want to take care of yourself, do it anyway. For my sake."

    "I have a lot of respect for you," he said. "I think you know that, which is why you're trying to give me orders. Because I can't refuse."

    "You don't need to keep pointing out things like that."

    "Sorry. I really look up to you. I can't help but get excited when I start to understand you just a little more."

    From up where they stood, the pool reflected the sky. The sun was dancing in the mild ripples on the water's surface.

    "I miss him."

    "Me too."

    "It's hard to think about anything else."

    "I know."

    "Do you really still think he's out there? Is that the truth you honestly believe in?"

    "Yes."

    "That's enough for me. I'll do my best to keep going." Rei paused. "I'm glad you came to talk to me. It's mostly me doing the talking, but I think it helped."

    "I'm glad."

    "Is there anything I can do for you, too?"

    "I don't know." _Just don't leave me._

    "I hope something changes soon."

    This day was surely a dream. He couldn't have imagined this conversation happening any other way, and he figured he would forget this ever happened later on. Maybe things really would get better eventually. Maybe Nagisa would come back and repair the mess they had all created in his absence.

    Haruka's thoughts were interrupted when his phone suddenly vibrated in his pocket. It was a slap back into the present moment. He had one message -- Makoto.

 

_I'm fine~ felt sort of sick so I went to the nurse. I hope you're eating something?_

_anyways, I'll see you later. Don't worry ( ´ ω `)_

 

    He sighed in relief. He could tell he wasn't getting the entire truth, but he could work with this as long as he wasn't dead. Yes, he could work with this. He formulated a plan for the rest of the school day - it was as though his mind cleared in an instant. He shoved his phone back into his pocket. The fog disappeared.

    "Rei, we should skip practice today."

    "That's probably for the better," he commented quietly. Hesitating, he added: "But what about Gou? She was really upset yesterday when you didn't show up."

    Kou was a complication that he hadn't considered. He totally forgot that she had given them a deadline to figure things out, and was likely going to be waiting on them today. "We can talk to her. … I'll talk to her after school."

    "I can come too."

    "You don't have to," he said.

    "No, I don't mind. I'm feeling better now. It's sort of my fault we're skipping, anyway, so I should be there to take some of the blame."

    Haruka exhaled. It would be good to bring someone with him. He would have to tell Makoto, too, since they would be walking home together. He had things all under control for the time being. It was like, for the smallest time, he was able to prove himself to whichever universal power was making him suffer, able to prove that he could handle any possible obstacle they wanted to throw his way.

 

    It didn't last long, though, and came with a harsh price. He and Rei spent the rest of their lunch period in silence. No matter how much he tried to push it out of the way, the sadness kept coming back to him. Each time it was worse. He was used to the dull, bitter ache of depression that came to him in his dark moments, but this was so different. He didn't know what to do with such a direct, sharp feeling of sorrow. This was his punishment for escaping the clouds that had occupied him today. Thinking of Makoto sent a dagger through his heart and trying to recall his conversation with Rei twisted it back and forth. After returning to class he couldn't stop staring at Makoto, who was now present, and he was so awake this time, too. He didn't miss a single second of it. He had texted him before lunch ended about missing practice and got no response. Just watching his profile was heartbreaking.

    He didn't know if someone who really loved him could make him feel like this, and at the same time, he was revolted by himself for trying to blame this on Makoto. All of it was so confusing. It was really his own dumb fault that he was ignoring him. If he hadn't always been so reserved with his emotions, maybe Makoto would feel like talking to him again, let alone feel safe enough to ask him for support. It was eating him alive, knowing his best friend was hiding things from him, not having the courage to bring it up until later. Wasn't he dismissing problems as they were presented to him the same as he always did? He was sure the stress from this alone would kill him - perhaps he deserved it if he was destined to be so self-centered.

    But he would figure it out. For once, he couldn't wait until they had the chance to talk. There was too much to be left unspoken. _Just get through the rest of the day,_ he told himself, again and again, hopelessly watching the unaware Makoto, wishing in secret that he would turn and meet eyes with him just once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! Sorry if this chapter seems uneventful compared to the last. It's a bit of a cliffhanger, I know. The truth is, I meant for it to be much longer but I was unhappy with how I wrote the very next scene and I need to rewrite it. I figured I wouldn't let that stop me from putting out a quick (well, /quicker/) update.
> 
> Stay tuned for the next chapter where the school day ends...!! I'm very excited to show it to everyone. 
> 
> Have a good day!


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